12.6 – The Candidate

Thursday night, the City Council is voting on a new measure that would prohibit breathing as an involuntary muscular action.  Historically, the human body has been able to control breathing without the brain needing to consciously activate the diaphragm.

Under the new rule, all residents of Night Vale would be required to make the physical choice of whether or not, and when, to breathe.  The City Council said that we have too long taken the receipt of oxygen for granted, and that the sense of entitlement must cease.  If the vote passes, residents will have until March first of next year to learn to control these involuntary muscle groups during lucid sleep.

Detractors say that it is our constitutional right to breathe how we want, and that it is not the government’s job to legislate breathing.  The Council responded by waving a brick in the air at reporters and shouting “We learned to beat our own hearts!  We taught ourselves to wet our own corneas!  We have pulled ourselves up from nothing!  It is the American dream.”  Then, they took a deep breath all together, lowered the brick, broke it into pieces, and devoured it.

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