Next Saturday is the big lottery drawing, listeners, right out in front of City Hall, and your community radio station has put together a few helpful tips for winning. The lottery is, of course, mandatory, but how can you get the best odds for drawing a blank white paper, and not one of the purple pieces that means you’ll be ceremoniously disemboweled, and eaten by the wolves at the Night Vale Petting Zoo & Makeshift Carnival?
I know to some of you young people, this lottery seems like a barbarous, outdated tradition, but if not for municipally planned citizen sacrifice each quarter, how else would we find satisfactory meats to feed those sad, scrawny animals? So here now are the three “I”s of playing the lottery.
I one: Identify. Learn to sense colors. Purple has a grittier emotional aura than white.
I two: Ignite. Set fire to your home. While it’s not true that wolves refuse to eat arsonists, it’s a scientific fact that they’re unable to detect the presence of one.
I three: Imitate. If you happen to draw a purple piece, impersonate someone who drew a white piece. You might be mistaken for a person who is color-blind. This, of course, will lead to months of painful color re-education at City Hall. But in most cultures, that’s better than being eaten by wolves.
Also, make sure to visit the food truck festival, which will be downtown as part of the lottery festivities. Popular truck treats include Korean barbecue, vegetarian chili, and veal ice cream.