8.8 – The Lights In Radon Canyon

A sports scandal has shook our quiet little town. The Night Vale Scorpions have faced multiple allegations of possible game tampering this football season. Representatives for the Desert Bluffs school district, speaking in unpleasant and high-pitched voices indicative of weakness of will and character, complained to the regional football and traffic code authority that Night Vale quarterback Michael Sandero’s recently grown second head counts as a twelfth man on the field, thus invalidating the wins brought on by his also recently acquired superhuman agility and strength. The RFTCA said that they would look into these allegations with the utmost seriousness, along with their concurrent investigation into whether Night Vale’s invisible crosswalk policy is actually a desperate bid to save town funds at the cost of pedestrian lives.

Meanwhile, the school board is due to announce its decision in their ongoing hearings as to whether appealing to angels for a win constitutes illegal game tampering. Several angels agreed to testify at the hearings. However, their testimonials were cut short when it became apparent that the hearings were actually elaborate traps set up by the City Council to finally capture the angels, whom the Council does not recognize as actually existing. Fortunately, the angels easily escaped from their cages in a blaze of heavenly light, presumably returning to Old Woman Josie’s house, out near the car lot, which has become something of an informal shelter for local angels.

When asked about the controversy over his team’s winning record, Coach Nazr al-Mujaheed said, “Our boys are good boys. They’re good boys at football. We win ’em, with the boys! The football.” Then he smiled vacantly, waved at no one, and wandered off in the direction of the woods. More on this story as it develops.

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