Rabbits are not what they seem to be. Welcome to Night Vale.
We’ve had some power outages reported throughout Night Vale in the last couple of hours. If you’re experiencing one, well then you can’t hear me, can you? The Night Vale Municipal Utility Department said that they are still working to determine the cause of the outages, which are roving back and forth across town in a continuous motion, like a great pacing beast.
Those whose neighborhoods have been hit by the outages reported the shriek of hawks overhead, and that when the lights came back on, they felt that perhaps they were different people. Their memories and identities the same as always, but suddenly felt like costumes that didn’t fit exactly. As though it all were actually brand new to them. As though they had been switched out with someone who was exactly like them. As though all that was familiar would ever after be strange. Keep some flashlights with spare batteries and a childhood photo album by you tonight, just in case.
The revitalization of the Old Town Drawbridge experienced another setback this week, as engineers determined that the furniture upholstery used to construct the bridge towers soaks up water and creates an unstable foundation. This week’s collapse was the third in as many months. Construction crews have tried building the bridge tower base supports from corrugated cardboard, non-dairy creamer, and ceramic bowls. Nothing has worked.
Engineers are asking for help in determining how proper bridge towers are made. If you have any tips, please write them on notebook paper and mail them to Bridge Magic LLC, P.O. Box 1616. Do not use cursive, or long words. Clearly labeled drawings are preferred.
More on the drawbridge debacle. It was turmoil in city headquarters this morning. Following this latest in a long line of municipal failures, the City Council has come under fire from concerned citizens for wasting taxpayer money on inefficient services that go over budget and over schedule. One critic, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “We don’t even have a river or bay in Night Vale. There would never be a boat to necessitate a drawbridge!” He continued to—
You know what? Forget it. I can tell you right now that that was Steve Carlsberg who said that, and he is such a spoilsport, that Steve! Have you ever noticed how he never replaces his hubcaps? It’s laziness, pure and simple— laziness. I just can’t let him ruin our town by denying Night Vale a drawbridge when he can’t even care for a tan Corolla.
The Night Vale Daily Journal has announced that, due to spiraling printing costs, they will be replacing the print edition of the paper with a special new Imagination Edition.
Editor Leann Hart explains, “Instead of confining our customers to the outdated modes of ink on paper, we are allowing them to choose the news that interests them by imagining whatever news they want. This will not only save costs, but will allow customers to experience the news as a full-color, full-motion experience taking place in a mental world that is tailored to their needs.” Subscription to this edition will be compulsory and automatic, and will cost a mere $60 a month.
This Friday, at Night Vale High’s Memorial Stadium, it’s the annual softball showdown between the Night Vale Fire Department and the Sheriff’s Secret Police. Proceeds from the game will go to support development of nuclear weaponry for a strongly religious Indonesian militia that is looking to overthrow their heretical government, as well as to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. So even if you don’t like softball, come on out and support a couple of great causes.
Last year’s game ended in a rout, as the Secret Police hit three home runs in the eighth and ninth innings. The firefighters claimed that there was some foul play involved— pun intended, dear listeners— as their entire bullpen was assassinated in the middle innings with blow darts. Those murders remain unsolved and completely uninvestigated. Our hearts go out to the families of the deceased relief pitchers. Rest in peace.
It should be a fun one! Expect a real revenge-minded fire department to take the field on Friday. Tickets are only $10, or $5 if you bring enriched yellowcake uranium. Black helicopters will be mind-scanning the town on game day, hunting down those who do not attend. The first 500 fans receive surgically applied working gills.
And now, a word from our sponsors.
[Cecil wordlessly groans for several seconds.]
And now, traffic.
There’s a stalled car on the northbound on-ramp to the Eastern Expressway just south of Route 800. Commuters should have little delays, as highway patrol is fiercely denying this report. In fact, police representatives have just issued a statement claiming that there are no cars anywhere, and, “What are you doing, talking about them, talking silly lies? You silly people. There are no cars! What is this fiction? Oh, please, did you seriously believe for a second–? Wait, wait, you thought that cars were real?” The highway patrol continued, “Oh, that is rich.”
All other roads seem clear. Expect delays, of course, at the drawbridge construction site, because it is years away from being competently finished.
Here are this week’s horoscopes.
- Virgo. Go see a movie today. It’s a great escape. Especially from all of this pollution and dangerous UV radiation. Say, is that mole new?
- Libra. Your dreams will be filled with prophetic visions. Write them down. Hopefully, there are some lottery numbers or sports scores in there.
- Scorpio. Curse you. Curse your family. Curse your children, and your children’s children. Vile, vile Scorpio.
- Sagittarius. Eat well today! You’ve earned it. And by “it,” I mean massive food allergies. And by “earned,” I mean acquired. I should proof this stuff before I read it out loud. Let’s try that again. You’ve acquired massive food allergies. Yes, much cleaner. Eat well!
- Capricorn. Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning. Best not think about this again.
- Aquarius. The white ball will be under the middle shell. Trust the stars: invest all your money in this lucrative street game.
- Pisces. You’ve won a brand new car!
- Aries. You will feel a haunting sadness about times gone by. Today’s smell is wheatgrass and toast.
- Taurus. Today is your annual Crime Day. All Tauruses are exempt from laws today.
- Gemini. You will meet someone today who will have no effect on your life, and who you will immediately forget. Retain hope for a possible future.
- Cancer. I’ve got to pay my phone bill, and also get some more milk. —That wasn’t me talking; that is what the stars say today. Interpret it as you will.
- Leo. —It’s better that I don’t read this aloud. Better that you not know. Tell your family you love them.
That has been this week’s horoscopes.