Carlos and his team of scientists warned that one of the houses in the new development of Desert Creek out back of the elementary school doesn’t actually exist.
It seems like it exists, explained Carlos and his perfect hair. Like it’s just right there when you look at it. And it’s between two other identical houses, so it would make more sense for it to be there than not. But, he says, they have done experiments, and the house is definitely not there.
At news time, the scientists are standing in a group on the sidewalk in front of the non-existent house, daring each other to go knock on the door.
A great howling was heard from the Night Vale Post Office yesterday. Postal workers claim no knowledge, although passers-by described the sound as being a little like “a human soul being destroyed through black magic.”
The Indian Tracker [sic]– now, I don’t know if you’ve seen this guy around– he’s the one that appears to be of maybe, Slavic origin? yet wears an Indian headdress out of some racist cartoon and claims to be able to read tracks on asphalt.
He appeared on the scene, and swore that he would discover the truth. No one responded because it’s really hard to take him seriously in that headdress of his.
Lights, seen in the sky above the Arby’s. Not the glowing sign of Arby’s. Something higher, and beyond that.
We know the difference.
We’ve caught on to their game. We understand the “lights above Arby’s” game. Invaders, from another world…
Ladies and gentlemen, the future is here, and it’s about a hundred feet above the Arby’s.
Carlos and his scientists at the monitoring station near Route 800 say their seismic monitors have been indicating wild seismic shifts. Meaning to say that the ground should be going up and down all over the place. I don’t know about you folks, but the ground has been as still as the crust of a tiny globe rocket through an endless void could be.
Carlos says that they’ve double-checked the monitors and they are in perfect working order. To put it plainly, there appears to be catastrophic earthquakes happening right here in Night Vale that absolutely no one can feel.
Well, submit an insurance claim, anyway… see what you can get, right?
Traffic time, listeners. Now, police are issuing warnings about ghost cars out on the highways, those cars only visible in the distance reaching unimaginable speeds, leaving destinations unknown for destinations more unknown.
They would like to remind you that you should not set your speed by these apparitions, and doing so will not be considered ‘following the flow of traffic.’
However, they do say that it’s probably safe to match speed with the mysterious lights in the sky, as whatever entities or organizations responsible appear to be cautious and reasonable drivers.
And now, the weather.
[“These and More Than These,” by Joseph Fink.]
Welcome back, listeners.
The sun didn’t set at the correct time today, Carlos and his team of scientists report. They’re quite certain about it. They checked multiple clocks and the sun definitely set ten minutes later than it was supposed to.
I asked them if they had any explanations but they did not offer anything concrete. Mostly they sat in a circle around a desk clock, staring at it, murmuring and cooing.
Still, we must be grateful to have the sun at all. It’s easy to forget in this hot, hot, hot desert climate, but things would actually be slightly harder for us without the sun.
The next time the sun rises, whatever time that turns out to be, take a moment to feel grateful for all the warmth and light and even, yes, the extreme heat that our desert community is gifted with.
The City Council would like to remind you about the tiered heavens and the hierarchy of angels.
The reminder is that you should not know anything about this. The structure of heaven and the angelic organizational chart are privileged information, known only to City Council members on a need-to-know basis.
Please, do not speak to or acknowledge any angels that you may come across while shopping at the Ralph’s, or at the Desert Flower Arcade Bowling Alley & Fun Complex.
They only tell lies and do not exist.
Report all angel sightings to the City Council for treatment.
And now for a brief public service announcement.
Alligators. Can they kill your children?
Along those lines, to get personal for a moment, I think the best way to die would be swallowed by a giant snake. Going feet first and whole into a slimy maw would give your life perfect symmetry.
Speaking of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley & Arcade Fun Complex, its owner, Teddy Williams, reports that he has found the entrance to a vast underground city in the pin retrieval area of lane five. He said he has not yet ventured into it, merely peered down at its strange spires and broad avenues.
He also reports voices of a distant crowd in the depths of that subterranean metropolis.
Apparently, the entrance was discovered when a bowling ball accidentally rolled into it, clattering down to the city below with sounds that echoed for miles across the impossibly huge cavern.
So, you know… whatever population that city has… they know about us now. And we might be hearing from them very soon.
Carlos, perfect and beautiful, came into our studios during the break earlier, but declined to stay for an interview.
He had some sort of blinking box in his hand covered with wires and tubes. Said he was testing the place for materials. I don’t know what materials he meant, but that box sure whistled and beeped a lot. When he put it close to the microphone, it sounded like, well, like a bunch of baby birds had just woken up… really went crazy.
Carlos looked nervous. I’ve never seen that kind of look on someone with that strong of a jaw.
He left in a hurry. Told us to evacuate the building. But then, who would be here to talk sweetly to all of you out there?
Settling in to be another clear night and pretty evening here in Night Vale. I hope all of you out there have someone to sleep through it with, or at least, good memories of when you did.
Good night, listeners, good night.