Good news for radio-controlled airplane hobbyists. Those unidentifiable black metallic trees that suddenly appeared by the library back in June and caused all airborne objects above thirty feet to catch fire— well, they’ve finally been cleared away, as a new strip mall and parking lot are being developed.
The Night Vale Airport, local birdwatchers, and that nice epileptic couple who run the Emergency Services helicopter are just pleased as pleased can be about the news. Several petitions, however, have cropped up from neighborhood improvement organizations. Juanita Jefferson, head of one such organization, Night Vale Or Nothing, said, “Treeees. They are us.” Jefferson then paused for several minutes without blinking and whispered again, “Treeees,” before collapsing into tears and loud moaning. Jefferson was then taken by helicopter to Night Vale General Hospital, where she is reportedly in stable condition. This morning, Jefferson’s lawyer issued a statement saying, “My client fully recognizes the irony of this helicopter trip, but she stands by her earlier pronouncement, ‘Trees, trees, they are us.’”
Meanwhile, I hear from trustworthy informants that there will be a Pinkberry at the new strip mall. Delicious!
In other news, the Randy Newman Memorial Night Vale Airport has announced some schedule changes due to multiple severe weather conditions, including the existence of an atmosphere, and that strange fiery orb that appears for approximately half of every twenty-four hour period. Many of today’s flights will be delayed for several hours while the rest will be moved into the past and will have already happened last week. All arriving flights have been cancelled except for those from JFK, LAX, and XTA, which will continue on the usual routine of unscheduled arrivals which are a complete surprise to both the pilots and Air Traffic Control, based on routes that appear to violate the simple laws of physics and geography.
In addition, Martin McCaffrey, local TSA representative, reminded all travelers that security measures are in place for their own safety, and we should respect the sacrifice needed to keep our lives and our country secure. Martin said, ‘I know going through both a metal and full-body scanner, as well as crawling through a lengthy pitch-black tunnel while a recording of a monotone male voice lists possible ways of dying are all inconveniences. And I know that many travelers are concerned with privacy issues involving the voice of a small child that comes through strategically placed ceiling grates asking them to name every person they have ever kissed, but these are all necessary evils.’
Mr. McCaffrey then went on to draw a sketch of a strange, elongated, dark figure crawling out of a kitchen refrigerator, after which he immediately insisted he had no memory of creating the picture and no idea what it could mean. More on this eventually, probably.