9.11 – “PYRAMID”

Update on the pyramid situation. Flaky-Os’ board of directors are vigorously denying— some of them at gunpoint— that they had any part in the pyramid that is stubbornly continuing to exist in our town. They are sneaky ones. I hope the new line of cereal turns out to be worth the hype. Meanwhile, the pyramid itself has altered its broadcast, sending out a second message, which is as follows:

Everything you do matters except your life. Death will be the last action you’ll undertake. I do not live, but I exist. What is my purpose? I will not tell you. One day you will discover your purpose, and then you will tell no one. And then you will die.

Now, I’m not too good at this viral marketing thing, so I can’t see all the codes and hidden web addresses that I’m sure are all through that message. I’ll leave that to all the dedicated amateurs out there in the listening world.

The Sheriff’s Secret Police are now attempting to charge the pyramid with resisting arrest, on the grounds that they couldn’t figure out how to arrest it. More as the story develops.

In the meantime, let’s go to the weather.

[“Last Song” by Jason Webley]

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12.3 – The Candidate

Breaking news; we’ve received confirmation from the Sheriff’s Secret Police that Hiram McDaniels was finally apprehended.

McDaniels has been on the lam since August. He was wanted on several counts of insurance fraud, falsifying identification papers, evading arrest, and assaulting a police vehicle with fire. McDaniels was spotted near his Earl Road apartment early Saturday morning by several alert neighbors. The neighbors said they were able to identify McDaniels because he matched police sketches of an eighteen-foot-tall five-headed dragon that had been posted across Night Vale. Fingerprints later confirmed that McDaniels was definitely a dragon.

Secret Police are still unsure of McDaniels’ motives for returning home, and, well, listeners, our station intern Stacy just handed me a photo of Hiram McDaniels. He’s a very dynamic looking dragon. The raw power. The intensity in those five faces, those many sets of blue and red and black and green and yellow eyes. I can certainly see how he charmed his way out of an arrest. He must never get tickets. What a guy.

14.4 – The Man In The Tan Jacket

This Monday through Friday is the annual Night Vale Career Fair at the downtown Convention Center. There will be dozens of booths, representing phony local businesses that will take your résumés and photos, via hidden surveillance cameras, and conduct sample interviews designed to badger you into implicating yourself in nefarious activities. First-generation Night Vale residents, particularly those whose parents were originally born in Maine, Massachusetts, Canada, Micronesia, and Suriname, are strongly encouraged to attend. This year’s keynote speaker is an audio tape of droning moans, leaden with subliminal tips about achieving personal prosperity, and how to come clean about the terrible things you have done, you cretin.

Last year’s fair featured several very high-profile arrests, and exciting door prizes. Tickets are $25, or $15 if you still have working retinas to scan.