2.10 – Glow Cloud

Alert! The Sheriff’s Secret Police are searching for a fugitive named Hiram McDaniels, who escaped custody last night following a 9 PM arrest. McDaniels is described as a five-headed dragon, approximately 18 feet tall, with mostly green eyes, and weighing about thirty-six hundred pounds. He is suspected of insurance fraud.

McDaniels was pulled over for speeding last night, and the secret police became suspicious when he allegedly gave the officers a fake driver’s license for a 5’8′ man named Frank Chen. After discerning that “Frank Chen” was actually a five-headed dragon from somewhere other than our little world, the secret police searched McDaniels’ vehicle.

Representatives from local civil rights organizations have protested that officers had no legal grounds to search the vehicle, but they ceded the point when reminded by Secret Police officials that our backwards court system will uphold any old authoritarian rule made up on the fly by unsupervised gun-carrying thugs of a shadow government.

The secret police say McDaniels escaped custody by breathing fire from his purple head, and he was last seen flying and shrieking over Red Mesa. Secret police are asking for tips leading to the arrest of Hiram McDaniels. They remind you that, if seen, he should not be approached, as he is literally a five-headed dragon. Contact the Sheriff’s Secret Police if you have any information. Ask for Officer Ben. Helpful tipsters will earn one stamp on their Alert Citizen Card. Collect five stamps, and you get stop sign immunity for one year.

11.11 – Wheat & Wheat By-Products

City comptroller Waynetta Barnett received a one point five billion dollar check from the federal government this week.

The check was to support rebuilding efforts from this past week’s massive earthquake, reaching nine point seven on the Richter scale, the epicenter of which was directly below Night Vale. Of course, we experienced absolutely no damage to the town, and nobody reported feeling any effects at all from this enormous seismological event.

Comptroller Barnett says that she suspects that FEMA just saw the meter reading, declared this a disaster area, and sent a check. She doesn’t think they have any interest in visiting Night Vale, so we can probably just spend the money however we want.

Barnett added that those new Mini Cooper sedans are really cute, and wanted us all to look at their website.

13.3 – A Story About You

You didn’t always live in Night Vale. You lived somewhere else, where there were more trees, more water. You wrote direct mail campaigns for companies, selling their products. “Dear resident,” you wrote often. “Finally, some good news in this dreary world. At last, a reason not to kill yourself!” Then you would delete that and write something else to send out, and it would not be seen by anyone.

You had a friend, and then a girlfriend, and then a fiancée, the same person. She cooked dinner sometimes, but sometimes you cooked. You often touched.

One day you were walking from the glass box of your office to your old Ford Probe, and a vision came to you. You saw above you a planet of awesome size, lit by no sun. An invisible titan, all thick black forest and jagged mountains and deep turbulent oceans. It was so far away, so desolate, and so impossibly, terrifyingly dark, and that day, you did not go home. You drove instead. You drove a long time, and eventually, you ended up in Night Vale, and you stopped driving.

You have been haunted ever since by how easy it was to walk away from your life, and how few the repercussions were. You never heard from your fiancée or your job again. They never looked for you, which doesn’t seem likely, or maybe it’s that in Night Vale, you cannot be found. The complete freedom, the lack of consequence: it terrifies you.

14.11 – The Man In The Tan Jacket

Let’s go now to traffic.

There is a car. It’s not in Night Vale, or even in the desert that cradles our little town. It’s out somewhere beyond that. There are many cars there, but I’m speaking only about one. Blue, squarish, with tires and windows and an engine that works, most of the time. A woman is driving it, and she is also glancing whenever she can at the child in the passenger’s seat. He is a child, but he is 15. You understand. She is glancing at him, but she is not saying anything. And he is not saying anything either.

She wants to cry, or she wants to push him out of the car, or she wants to go back in time and insist on using a condom– only she would never do that. She couldn’t change any of this really, not for all the money, piles of money, some of it defunct money from defunct and absent governments. She wouldn’t give any of this back. So she drives her car, blue, squarish, with tires and windows and an engine that works most of the time, and she glances at the fifteen-year-old child, and neither of them speaks.

This has been traffic.

And now… the weather.

[“Movement 1: Invocation of the Duke” by daKAH Hip Hop Orchestra. More from daKAH Hip Hop Orchestra at myspace.com/daKAH.]

17.5 – Valentine

Emergency workers report that the damage from Valentine’s Day is worse than previously projected. They describe bodies strewn upon the ground, covered in glitter and paper cupids. Entire buildings collapsed, leaving only rubble and chalky candy hearts. And of course, there is the sad fate of those chosen to be another person’s Valentine. Little can be said to help the families of those unfortunates except that the process is, while exactly as ghastly and excruciating as feared, apparently not as horribly slow and drawn-out as it appears to outside observers.

As usual, no aid has come our way from either the state or national government. The state house even went so far as to send a formal reply, the entirety of which reads, ‘Sorry. We can see what you were going for, but maybe we just don’t get that kind of thing. Anyway, creative stuff! And have a happy Valentine’s.’

Those monsters.

If you or anyone you know has any footage of photos of the events of Valentine’s Day, please send them directly into the station, so that we may put the images and video on the radio. Thank you, and be safe.