2.6 – Glow Cloud

And now, a message from our sponsor.

I took a walk on the cool sand dunes, brittle grass overgrown, and above me in the night sky, above me, I saw… bitter taste of unripe peaches, and a smell I could not place, nor could I escape. I remembered other times that I could not escape. I remembered other smells. The moon slunk like a wounded animal. The world spun like it had lost control.

Concentrate only on breathing, and let go of ideas you had about nutrition and alarm clocks. I took a walk on the cool sand dunes, brittle grass overgrown, and above me, in the night sky, above me, I saw.

This message was brought to you by Coca-Cola.

8.9 – The Lights In Radon Canyon

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Step into your nearest Subway restaurant today, and try their new 6-inch mashed potato sub. Top it with a delicious assortment of fresh vegetables, like french fries and Nutella. They’ll even toast or poach it for you.

There are several Subway locations in Night Vale, all easily accessible through witchcraft and chanting. And between now and November 30, buy nine reverse colonics, and get a free 40-ounce soda or freshly baked tobacco cookie.

Subway: Devour Your Own Empty Heart.

9.10 – “PYRAMID”

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Today’s program is brought to you by Audible.com, your online source for recorded books. There are thousands of great titles at Audible.com that you can download to your computer or portable device, and listen to on the go. I use Audible to catch up on best-selling titles like The Help and Van Gogh Notes For Technical Communication 11\E.

I’m on their website right now, and I’m typing in a search for “dog park,” because I was thinking about this town’s beautiful new fixture, and how I will never, ever take my dog there. Let’s see what Audible comes up with.

Huh. It’s a flashing black-and-red screen that says THOUGHT CRIME in all caps. And below that, a little animation of two digging workers. “Under Construction”— that’s adorable!

So, check out Audible.com. New Audible members can get one free audiobook just by smudging their computer monitors with baby’s blood and humming the Spanish translation of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”

Audible.com: You Can’t Burn What You Can’t Even Touch.

10.10 – Feral Dogs

And now a word from our sponsor.

You come home. The lights are off. You get an uneasy feeling. Suddenly, the phone rings. You remember that you do not have a phone. It rings some more. You do not know what to do. Then you remember that, yes, you do own a phone. Why wouldn’t you own a phone? Everyone owns a phone. The phone is still ringing. Hahahaha! How silly to think you didn’t own a phone! It rings again. You smile, and shrug, and answer the ringing phone. It is still dark. “Hello?” you say.

“They are waiting for you,” a whispery gender-indeterminate voice tells you. “It is your time,” it says.

You turn on the light. You laugh again, wondering why it took you so long to turn on the light. Gosh, it was dark, you think. “Hello?” the voice asks. You hang up, glad you remembered to buy Tropicana orange juice, at least.

Tropicana premium orange juice is made from the freshest oranges, with no added flavors or preservatives. Also, you should get caller ID. It’s the 21st century. How do you not have caller ID? Really.

Tropicana.

12.7 – The Candidate

And now a word from our sponsor.

[Music plays.  Cecil sounds very chatty.]

We all want to live forever, right?  Wrong.  Think about watching your family die as you selfishly carry on, your children aging and passing, your grandchildren, and so on.  Think of all the friends you’ll make, and eventually lose.  You don’t want that.  No!

You know the earth is eventually going to be swallowed by the sun, right?  And one day, you would be present for this greatest of all apocalypses.  As fascinating as this would be, scientifically speaking, this excitement would fade as the pain of thousand-degree flames engulfed your tender body, and your agèd mind would be so alone in this interminable torture. Does this sound like something you want?  We didn’t think so. Immortality is stupid.  Think before you wish.

This message brought to you by Direct TV.

12.12 – The Candidate

Ah, but that is later. Now, it is dark. It is quiet. Just you and me, dear listener. Just my voice, traveling from this microphone, traveling silent and immediate across sleepy homes and lost souls to your ears.

You curl under a blanket, protecting your body from the world, excepting a few clever spiders, and you are listening, hearing me. Sleep heavily and know that I am here with you now. The past is gone, and cannot harm you anymore. And while the future is fast coming for you, it always flinches first, and settles in as the gentle present. This now, this us, we can cope with that. We can do this together, you and I, drowsily, but comfortably. Stay tuned now for our two-hour special, Car Alarms And Their Variations, brought to you commercial-free by Canada Dry.

Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

15.7 – Street Cleaning Day

And now a word from our sponsors. Today’s broadcast is sponsored by Target.

Target is a great place to shop, and they would like you to consider the variety of silence in this world. The deathly silence when an argument has reached a height from which neither party can see a safe way down, and the soft wet silence of post-coital breath-catching. Silence in a courtroom moments before a man’s life is changed completely by something so insignificant as his past. And the silence of a hospital room as a man, in front of everyone he loves, lets the heat from his clenched hands dissipate into the background hum of the universe. The quiet of outdoor distances, of wilderness, of the luxury of space, and the quiet of dead air on the radio. The sound of a mistake, of emphasis, of your own thoughts when you expected someone else’s.

[whispered]

SHOP. AT. TARGET.

19A.8 – The Sandstorm

Got a home improvement project? Need help? Incomplete? Having feelings? Strange feelings? Feelings you’ve never felt? Incomplete? Is your body filled with hot blood, waving curves of sinew, and skin? Can you feel all that blood? Is it even your blood? How can you be sure? Incomplete? Are you dizzy from it all, all of this? What are your hands doing? Incomplete? Where are your hands now? Where have they been? Where are they going? Where are you going?

Have you ever broken the surface of something with a hammer? Ever channeled sublime thought into sandpaper? Ever wanted to touch something because you feel things, because touch is the only sense you trust? Incomplete? What is trust? Is making a thing proof that you exist? Is fixing a thing proof that you have transcended mortality? History? Incomplete. Feel things? Feel things?

You can do it. We can help. The Home Depot.