It’s election season again, and you know what that means. Sheriff’s Secret Police will be coming by to collect certain family members so that everyone votes for the correct Council seats, and there’s no confusion. These family members will be held in a secure and undisclosed location, which everyone knows is the abandoned mine shaft outside of town.
But don’t let the name fool you, listeners. It’s been used for years for so many kidnappings and illegal detentions that the abandoned mine shaft outside of town is actually a pretty nice location these days, featuring king-size beds, free wi-fi, and HBO. Also, torture cubicles, but I don’t think anyone’s going to make the Council use those. Remember, this is America! Vote correctly, or never see your loved ones again. This message brought to you by the City Council.
Crews from the Department of Public Safety will be repainting highway lane markers this week. The common white dashes and double yellow lane dividers will be replaced with colorful ceramic mosaics depicting disgruntled South American workers rising en masse against an abusive capitalist hegemony. The protective steel barriers along curves in the road will be taken down to make room for some really lovely and provocative butcher-paper silhouettes of slavery-era self-mutilation, reflective of centuries of slow genocide and dehumanization by Western imperialists, designed by contemporary art darling Kara Walker.
Also, Exits 15 to 17 along Route 800 will be closed for the next two Saturdays because of the biennial Lee Marvin film retrospective. So, please watch for working crews this weekend, lower your speed, and don’t forget to tip the DPS shift leaders. 20% of your current mileage is standard. Lack of tipping is the leading cause of sinkholes in the U.S.
Speaking of which, Night Vale High School is adding metal detectors, and parents and students alike are outraged. Several parents we talked to said that NVHS students have long been recipients of shadow government-issued Uzis and rifles, as well as tasers and armor-piercing munitions. The school board’s decision to put up metal detectors, according to parents, impinges on the clandestine operation’s rights as a vast underground conspiracy of giant megacorporations and corrupt world leaders to bear arms via teenage paramilitary proxies.
The school board countered that studies indicate that weapons distract from educators’ ability to educate, and that students who bring firearms to classrooms are more likely to use firearms than students without firearms. The school board says that school shootings can only get in the way of a quality education.
Well, at the risk of becoming too much a part of this story, dear listeners, might I say that the Night Vale school district is overstepping its bounds by telling us whether or not our children can be armed by undercover militants? Should it be a school’s job to say, ‘No, child, you cannot have grenades or assault rifles in the classroom’? I think not.
Beginning November 1st, all students at NVHS will enter through metal detectors. Any firearms or weaponry found will be confiscated and held in the counselor’s office until after school, when the students can pick them up again. Seriously, listeners, what’s next? Removing the line, “Praise the beams, praise o ye knowing beams that guide our lives, our hearts, our souls, praise o highest to ye, all-powerful beams” from the Pledge of Allegiance?
The City Council today issued a strong warning against the manufacture and sale of discount bloodstones. They say that these bloodstones of inferior design and construction have the potential to cause major accidents in even common day-to-day chanting rituals.
These accidents have included in just the past few months: locust swarms, pus tornados, and the creation and subsequent obliteration of a mirror version of Night Vale, forcing all of us to watch our identical counterparts perish, and thus confront the inevitability of our own futures.
Anyone caught selling these bloodstones will be put into the Dark Box, pending erasure from recorded history.
The lesser charge of buying or possessing them will be met with mere summary execution.
Critics charge that the City Council is lying about all of this, due to the fact that the council owns the only certified bloodstone factory in town. But the Council has vehemently denied this charge by gibbering, howling, and knocking over microphones.
The Night Vale Daily Journal has announced that, despite cost-cutting measures and mandatory subscription laws, it is facing a huge budget shortfall this year.
“We cannot pay back our printers, or our delivery crews,” said editor Leann Hart, in a prepared statement whispered through my mail slot late last night. “And we have already had to banish much of our staff into the sand wastes of the desert.”
She went on to explain that this ‘budget shortfall’ has nothing to do with the reported lavish birthday party she threw for herself in Night Vale Stadium, featuring a lazy river made entirely of champagne, and a birthday cake topped with very thin slices of moon rock. In an addendum she tapped in Morse code on my bathroom window, she said that the Journal is considering all new sources of income, including creating additional advertising space and mugging Night Vale citizens, and that I shouldn’t mention the whole birthday party thing after all… because she was never even born, so how could she have had a birthday party? She spent the rest of the night tapping out the phrase ‘Birthdays are a fake idea,’ which actually was a pretty relaxing sound to fall asleep to.
The City Council recently moved to name dance as the official town language. This measure has been met with tense debate and raised voices over the past several weeks. Proponents say we need a unified language, as it will save money on municipal signage and documentation, not to mention bring us together as a community. ‘The poetry of the human body,’ they said, while quickly pulling in their elbows and turning their bowler hats down over their eyes in an obvious tribute to Bob Fosse, ‘mates physical being with mental necessity, a marriage that brings purpose to our quickly rotting living corpses.’
Opponents say that this move, if voted into law, is discriminatory against the physically handicapped. Also, less than 10% of Night Vale citizens have ever taken a single dance lesson, let alone achieved lifelong mastery of one of the most ethereal and difficult to grasp art forms. One opponent, who wished to remain nameless out of fear of retribution, told us that the bill was entirely funded by lobbyists from Cheryl’s Little Princesses Dance Studio. ‘Just follow the money,’ they said. Then the anonymous insider’s pupils grew until they eclipsed the whites. Their tongue slid out from their knife-gash of a grin, and their hair would not stop greying, and growing.