6.10 – The Drawbridge

Here are this week’s horoscopes.

  • Virgo. Go see a movie today. It’s a great escape. Especially from all of this pollution and dangerous UV radiation. Say, is that mole new?
  • Libra. Your dreams will be filled with prophetic visions. Write them down. Hopefully, there are some lottery numbers or sports scores in there.
  • Scorpio. Curse you. Curse your family. Curse your children, and your children’s children. Vile, vile Scorpio.
  • Sagittarius. Eat well today! You’ve earned it. And by “it,” I mean massive food allergies. And by “earned,” I mean acquired. I should proof this stuff before I read it out loud. Let’s try that again. You’ve acquired massive food allergies. Yes, much cleaner. Eat well!
  • Capricorn. Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning. Best not think about this again.
  • Aquarius. The white ball will be under the middle shell. Trust the stars: invest all your money in this lucrative street game.
  • Pisces. You’ve won a brand new car!
  • Aries. You will feel a haunting sadness about times gone by. Today’s smell is wheatgrass and toast.
  • Taurus. Today is your annual Crime Day. All Tauruses are exempt from laws today.
  • Gemini. You will meet someone today who will have no effect on your life, and who you will immediately forget. Retain hope for a possible future.
  • Cancer. I’ve got to pay my phone bill, and also get some more milk. —That wasn’t me talking; that is what the stars say today. Interpret it as you will.
  • Leo. —It’s better that I don’t read this aloud. Better that you not know. Tell your family you love them.

That has been this week’s horoscopes.