The revitalization of the Old Town Drawbridge experienced another setback this week, as engineers determined that the furniture upholstery used to construct the bridge towers soaks up water and creates an unstable foundation. This week’s collapse was the third in as many months. Construction crews have tried building the bridge tower base supports from corrugated cardboard, non-dairy creamer, and ceramic bowls. Nothing has worked.
Engineers are asking for help in determining how proper bridge towers are made. If you have any tips, please write them on notebook paper and mail them to Bridge Magic LLC, P.O. Box 1616. Do not use cursive, or long words. Clearly labeled drawings are preferred.
More on the drawbridge debacle. It was turmoil in city headquarters this morning. Following this latest in a long line of municipal failures, the City Council has come under fire from concerned citizens for wasting taxpayer money on inefficient services that go over budget and over schedule. One critic, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “We don’t even have a river or bay in Night Vale. There would never be a boat to necessitate a drawbridge!” He continued to—
You know what? Forget it. I can tell you right now that that was Steve Carlsberg who said that, and he is such a spoilsport, that Steve! Have you ever noticed how he never replaces his hubcaps? It’s laziness, pure and simple— laziness. I just can’t let him ruin our town by denying Night Vale a drawbridge when he can’t even care for a tan Corolla.
There’s a stalled car on the northbound on-ramp to the Eastern Expressway just south of Route 800. Commuters should have little delays, as highway patrol is fiercely denying this report. In fact, police representatives have just issued a statement claiming that there are no cars anywhere, and, “What are you doing, talking about them, talking silly lies? You silly people. There are no cars! What is this fiction? Oh, please, did you seriously believe for a second–? Wait, wait, you thought that cars were real?” The highway patrol continued, “Oh, that is rich.”
All other roads seem clear. Expect delays, of course, at the drawbridge construction site, because it is years away from being competently finished.
Listeners, we’ve just learned that the drawbridge construction site has been hit by graffiti vandals. The Sheriff’s Secret Police suspect the feral dog pack to be responsible for the giant, spray-painted lettering along the bridge scaffolding that reads GOLD STANDARD IS OUR STANDARD and READ YOUR CONSTITUTION. There was also a very elaborately painted portrait of Alexander Hamilton wearing Groucho Marx nose glasses, and a caption that reads FEDERALIST PAPERS, but where FEDERALIST is crossed out, and TOILET is written in red. Actually, you should see this. It’s truly stunning. All that with spray paint. I’m impressed. These guys are really good artists.
Nevertheless, these dogs are possibly armed, and possibly rabid. They are definitely libertarian street artists, and that has police and city officials working double-time to solve this problem. If you have any tips that could lead to the capture of this roving band of dogs, please, keep them to yourself. We’ve also received word that they have tapped your phone and computers, so best not leave the house or talk loudly.