3.10 – Station Management

Now, while I gather myself, let’s have a look at traffic.

Oh! Wow! Well, that looks pretty good. Yup. Yes… okay, not too bad there either, I see. Oh, that gentleman needs to slow it down! It is not a race, my friend! Not a literal one, anyway.

That has been traffic.

And now, for an editorial.

I don’t ask favors much, dear listeners. That you know. But I am asking all of you now to conduct a letter-writing campaign to Station Management, which was not pleased with my discussion of their physical attributes and behavior, and is now threatening to shut down my show, or possibly my life, for good. Their wording was kind of ambiguous. Obviously, we will not be able to deliver the letters directly to the Management per se, as no one has ever opened their door, but we can shout the contents of the letters outside their office, and we presume, given an anatomy that includes ears, they will be able to hear what you have to say.

So, if you like this show, and you want to hear more of it, then we need to hear from you. Make your voice heard to whatever it is that lies in wait behind that darkened office door—

[Ominous rumbling.]

Oh! I’m sorry, dear listeners. We’ll be back after this word from our sponsors.

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4.10 – PTA Meeting

And now an editorial. Let’s talk for a moment about apartment building etiquette. Now, I myself live in an apartment building. And there is a compassion and acceptance you have to have for a certain level of annoyance. It’s people in close proximity to each other, and so there will be some things that you don’t like, and still have to let go.

But, other things are absolutely unacceptable! For instance, a certain level of strange, radiating light or heat on shared walls is expected. But any oozings or visible membranes are rude and thoughtless to all of your neighbors. Gibbering, howling, and chants in long-dead languages are the kind of thing that is fine at 1 PM, but absolutely not fine at 1 AM. We are all in this together. Put your trash in the cans, not in the hallway leading to the cans. Put on some clothes when standing in front of your windows, and keep any rituals or crazed experiments to hours in which no one is trying to sleep. It doesn’t have to be hard.

6.12 – The Drawbridge

This just in on DrawbridgeGate. The City Council said that, in response to this week’s collapse, they will increase the project budget by twenty million dollars over the next fourteen years, the new timeline for the bridge. Money for these extra expenses will come from school lunch programs, a 65% hotel tax, and a $276 bridge toll, which will be discounted to $249 with E-Z Pass.

And now for a station editorial.

Large, expensive projects are not uncommon in Night Vale. We are a patient but resilient little city. We have big dreams. Sometimes scary, unforgettable dreams that repeat on the same date every year and are shared by every person in town. But we make those big dreams come true. Remember the clock tower? It took eight years and 23 million dollars to build, and despite its invisibility and constant teleportation, it is a lovely structure that keeps impeccable time. It’s a classy signature for Night Vale’s growing skyline, unlike that hideous sports arena Desert Bluffs built last spring. Desert Bluffs can’t do anything right. That’s where Steve Carlsberg belongs. God, what a jerk.

And now, the weather.

[“Aye” by Dio.]

10.11 – Feral Dogs

This just in: two more schoolchildren were attacked by the wild dogs this morning near the playground at Night Vale Elementary School. One of the boys was taken to Night Vale General with treatable leg injuries. The other boy, we understand, was unharmed, because he was a better boy, and more loved by the angels.

We’ve also received confirmation that a handful of mangy curs broke into the Senior Center, stole their televisions, and made the internet stop working. This has gotten out of hand, ladies and gentlemen. We simply cannot live in fear for our safety because of wild dogs.

Allow me a brief editorial here, if you would. First off: please, have your pets fixed. It’s an inexpensive and quick process. You can take your dog or cat to the Night Vale SPCA, to your local veterinarian, or to Big Rico’s Pizza. Rico studies taxidermy as a hobby, so he’s happy to help out in whatever way he can.

Second, many of these dog packs are formed by dogs that are not raised to be loved, but bred to fight. Trainers are teaching these dogs everything from jujitsu to kickboxing to knifework. This is simply unacceptable. Dogfighting is illegal, cruel to animals, and a danger to society when these dogs are untethered.

But we are a strong, united community here in Night Vale. We must stand up to violence. Our town was founded by peace-loving imperialist conquerors who, to escape taxation, overwhelmed a potentially violent race of indigenous people and founded this beautiful city on principles of family, fortitude, fence-building, and friendly propaganda. Let’s not forget our long-standing town motto: “We have nothing to fear except ourselves— we are unholy, awful people. Fear ourselves with silence. Look down, Night Vale. Look down, and forget what you’ve done.” That is the motto of a determined, unified community.

And now, the weather.

[“I Know This” by Rachel Kann.]