1.6 – Pilot

A commercial airliner flying through local airspace disappeared today, only to reappear in the Night Vale Elementary gymnasium during basketball practice, disrupting practice quite badly.

The jet roared through the small gym for only a fraction of a second, and before it could strike any players or structure, it vanished again. This time, apparently, for good.

There is no word yet on if, or how, this will affect Night Vale Mountain Lions game schedule, and also, if this could perhaps be the work of their bitter rivals, the Desert Bluffs Cacti. Desert Bluffs is always trying to show us up through fancier uniforms, better pre-game snacks, and possibly by transporting a commercial jet into our gymnasium, delaying practice for several minutes, at least.

For shame, Desert Bluffs. For shame.

2.7 – Glow Cloud

The City Council, in cooperation with government agents from A Vague Yet Menacing Agency, is asking all citizens to stop by the Night Vale Elementary School gymnasium tonight at 7 for a brief questionnaire about mysterious sights that definitely no one saw, and strange thoughts that in no way occurred to anyone. Because all of us are normal, and to be otherwise would make us outcasts from our own community.

Remember, if you see something, say nothing, and drink to forget.

3.3 – Station Management

The Night Vale Business Association is proud to announce the new Night Vale Stadium! Next to the Night Vale Harbor & Waterfront Recreation area, the stadium will be able to seat 50,000 but will be closed all nights of the year except November 10, for the annual Parade Of The Mysterious Hooded Figures— in which all of our favorite ominous hooded figures, one that lurks under the slide in the Night Vale Elementary playground, the ones that meet regularly in the dog park, and the one that will occasionally openly steal babies and, for reasons no one can understand, we all stand by and let him do it… all of them will be parading proudly through Night Vale Stadium.

I tell you, with these new facilities, it promises to be quite a spectacle! And then it promises to be a vast, dark, and echoing space for the other meaningless 364 days of the year.

5.12 – The Shape In Grove Park

Speaking of which, the Night Vale school district has announced some changes to the elementary school curriculum. They are as follows.

In response to parent feedback, history class will focus more heavily on textbook readings and traditional exams, rather than live ammo drills. Geology is adding a new type of rock, on the grounds that it’s been a while since anyone has done that. The new type of rock is “vimbi,” and it is categorized by its pale blue color and the fact that it is completely edible. Points will be awarded to the first student to discover a real-world example of it.

Math and English are switching names. Their curriculum will stay exactly the same. Astronomy will now be conducting stargazing sessions only with blindfolds on every participant, in order to protect them from the existential terror of the void. Also, Pluto has been declared imaginary.

All classrooms will be equipped with at least one teacher physically present for the entire instruction period. Astral projection will no longer be used in any classroom situation. Finally, in addition to the current foreign language offerings of Spanish, French, and Modified Sumerian, schools will now be offering Double Spanish, Weird Spanish, Coptic Spanish, Russian, and Unmodified Sumerian.

10.11 – Feral Dogs

This just in: two more schoolchildren were attacked by the wild dogs this morning near the playground at Night Vale Elementary School. One of the boys was taken to Night Vale General with treatable leg injuries. The other boy, we understand, was unharmed, because he was a better boy, and more loved by the angels.

We’ve also received confirmation that a handful of mangy curs broke into the Senior Center, stole their televisions, and made the internet stop working. This has gotten out of hand, ladies and gentlemen. We simply cannot live in fear for our safety because of wild dogs.

Allow me a brief editorial here, if you would. First off: please, have your pets fixed. It’s an inexpensive and quick process. You can take your dog or cat to the Night Vale SPCA, to your local veterinarian, or to Big Rico’s Pizza. Rico studies taxidermy as a hobby, so he’s happy to help out in whatever way he can.

Second, many of these dog packs are formed by dogs that are not raised to be loved, but bred to fight. Trainers are teaching these dogs everything from jujitsu to kickboxing to knifework. This is simply unacceptable. Dogfighting is illegal, cruel to animals, and a danger to society when these dogs are untethered.

But we are a strong, united community here in Night Vale. We must stand up to violence. Our town was founded by peace-loving imperialist conquerors who, to escape taxation, overwhelmed a potentially violent race of indigenous people and founded this beautiful city on principles of family, fortitude, fence-building, and friendly propaganda. Let’s not forget our long-standing town motto: “We have nothing to fear except ourselves— we are unholy, awful people. Fear ourselves with silence. Look down, Night Vale. Look down, and forget what you’ve done.” That is the motto of a determined, unified community.

And now, the weather.

[“I Know This” by Rachel Kann.]