The results of a recent survey of Night Vale residents came to light this week. The study found widespread dissatisfaction with our town’s Public Library, and when considering the facts, it’s easy to see why. The public computers for internet use are outdated and slow. The lending period of 14 days is not nearly long enough to read lengthier books, given the busy schedules of all our lives. The fatality rate is also well above the national average for public libraries.
The library bloodstone circle does not appear to have seen any maintenance or cleaning in some time. There are reports of a faceless specter moving about the biography section, picking off lone browsers one by one. And that biography section, by the way, is far too small and has been oddly curated, containing 33 copies of the official biography of Helen Hunt, and no other books. From top to bottom, the Public Library is a disgrace to our fair city, and I can only hope our City Council does something about that soon, or I may find myself hoping that the faceless specter puts the library to the same mysterious, violent end as its many victims.
In other news, several alert citizens have reported that the Night Vale Post Office, closed since the strange and probably supernatural attack that it suffered several months ago, now appears to be open for business once again. This is good news for all of us, as we as a city have been unable to send or receive letters and packages since the closing. All private delivery companies of course refuse to enter the greater Night Vale area, because, a FedEx representative explained, ‘It is cursed.’
Witnesses say the post office has opened its doors and looks to be full of activity. There have been a few changes. For instance, all clerks behind the counter are now strange cloth-wrapped figures who hum tunelessly and turn in place instead of doing any sort of official postal business. In addition, the entire customer line and lobby area is full of more of these cloth-wrapped figures, all similarly turning and humming. Those who have tried to enter the building have reported an immediate wave of dizziness and nausea, followed by visions of strange jagged peaks and a churning black ocean. Also, they say, stamps now cost two cents more than a few months ago. It is not enough, apparently, for the postal service to violently assault our minds with visions, but they are also intent on bleeding our wallets dry. For shame.
But hey, at least everyone can get Amazon deliveries again. As their slogan says, ‘Amazon dot com: The only website now. Where did the rest of them go? Do not ask. Do not ask.’