6.7 – The Drawbridge

This Friday, at Night Vale High’s Memorial Stadium, it’s the annual softball showdown between the Night Vale Fire Department and the Sheriff’s Secret Police. Proceeds from the game will go to support development of nuclear weaponry for a strongly religious Indonesian militia that is looking to overthrow their heretical government, as well as to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. So even if you don’t like softball, come on out and support a couple of great causes.

Last year’s game ended in a rout, as the Secret Police hit three home runs in the eighth and ninth innings. The firefighters claimed that there was some foul play involved— pun intended, dear listeners— as their entire bullpen was assassinated in the middle innings with blow darts. Those murders remain unsolved and completely uninvestigated. Our hearts go out to the families of the deceased relief pitchers. Rest in peace.

It should be a fun one! Expect a real revenge-minded fire department to take the field on Friday. Tickets are only $10, or $5 if you bring enriched yellowcake uranium. Black helicopters will be mind-scanning the town on game day, hunting down those who do not attend. The first 500 fans receive surgically applied working gills.

10.7 – Feral Dogs

Let’s have a look at the community calendar.

This Sunday afternoon, the Night Vale Fire Department will be holding its bi-weekly Fireperson Appreciation Parade. All of the town’s firefighters will be riding through main street on their bright red engines, which will be turned into floats depicting some of the greatest fires in Night Vale’s history. One of my personal favorites is the 1983 earthquake dust fire, when tremor-initiated fires became so intense that the airborne sand burst into deadly flames. Nearly the entire city population was lost, and the FDNV does a fantastic job capturing the drama with streamers and papier-mâché.

The Fire Department would like to remind Night Vale citizens that the parade is free, and to check your coffee makers and gas stoves before you leave home, because they will not fight any fires while the parade is happening.

On Monday, the staff of Dark Owl Records will be wearing sweater vests.

Tuesday night is the Boy Scouts’ Court of Honor. The BSA will name its first-ever Blood Pact Scouts, the rank just above Eagle Scout. So far, no scout has attained the coveted position of Eternal Scout, but we have heard that two local boys, Franklin Wilson and Barton Donovan, have earned the Invisibility Badge, which is a prerequisite for the rank. Well done, Frank and Barty!

Wednesday afternoon is the city-wide Fitness Fair at the rec center. Last year’s event was canceled, as it was held on the same day and time as the Fried Chicken & Cigarette Fair. This year’s event, however, promises to be a huge success, as they have secured a large corporate sponsorship from the Intelligence Group International, who will provide free prostate screenings, mammograms, and surgically embedded government monitoring devices.

Thursday morning, the National Weather Service and National Security Agency have scheduled a giant sandstorm.

Friday is an oasis. Only a metaphor for something unattainable. A haunting dream of meaning for our lives, but don’t look. Turn your head. Your life is here. Stay here. You are alone. You are so peacefully alone. That’s it. Yes. Good.