1.14 – Pilot

Traffic time, listeners. Now, police are issuing warnings about ghost cars out on the highways, those cars only visible in the distance reaching unimaginable speeds, leaving destinations unknown for destinations more unknown.

They would like to remind you that you should not set your speed by these apparitions, and doing so will not be considered ‘following the flow of traffic.’

However, they do say that it’s probably safe to match speed with the mysterious lights in the sky, as whatever entities or organizations responsible appear to be cautious and reasonable drivers.

And now, the weather.

[“These and More Than These,” by Joseph Fink.]

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7.8 – History Week

The results of a recent survey of Night Vale residents came to light this week. The study found widespread dissatisfaction with our town’s Public Library, and when considering the facts, it’s easy to see why. The public computers for internet use are outdated and slow. The lending period of 14 days is not nearly long enough to read lengthier books, given the busy schedules of all our lives. The fatality rate is also well above the national average for public libraries.

The library bloodstone circle does not appear to have seen any maintenance or cleaning in some time. There are reports of a faceless specter moving about the biography section, picking off lone browsers one by one. And that biography section, by the way, is far too small and has been oddly curated, containing 33 copies of the official biography of Helen Hunt, and no other books. From top to bottom, the Public Library is a disgrace to our fair city, and I can only hope our City Council does something about that soon, or I may find myself hoping that the faceless specter puts the library to the same mysterious, violent end as its many victims.

12.11 – The Candidate

During the break, I received a message from Mayor Winchell’s office responding to our previous reports. According to the mayor, mayoral elections aren’t for another three years, and Hiram McDaniels is ineligible to run, not only because of his jail stay, but also because he is neither a Night Vale resident, nor a human being. There is, she says, no precedent for a five-headed dragon as elected official.

Mayor Winchell also pointed out that writing the throwaway phrase ‘If I were mayor of Night Vale’ on a blog is not an official declaration of candidacy. “There is paperwork!” Mayor Winchell shouted into my voicemail. “You can’t just… argh!” she continued, trailing off slightly at the end. What followed was about ninety-five seconds of loud stomping, and what sounded like wood chopping in the distance, before the message finally ended.

Allow me a retort, dear listeners, with this brief editorial: With all due respect, Madame Mayor, have we not had enough dragon-bashing? Our great country once held to some terrible old customs, but we grew up. We learned. We abolished slavery. Women won the right to vote. Ghosts can now marry, but of course, not have children. I mean, that would be a real slippery slope. And our own little burg is on the verge of becoming the first city in this great nation to legalize time travel.

So let’s loosen our collars. Let’s march into the reptilian future, not cling to the narrow past. Just because a dragon is a dragon, and has five heads, doesn’t mean he can’t lead our community. Sure, critics will say, ‘Oh, but Cecil! What if his five heads don’t agree on something? What if one’s like, Yeah, let’s build this school! But another’s like, No more schools. And the others are drunk or sleepy or something? How can we agree to elect five heads that can’t agree with themselves?’

To this, I say shame on you for your negative stereotypes of multi-headed beings. Free your mind! The rest, as our official town song says, will follow. The song also says, “Lap deeply of the scarlet mud, after the bloodrains of the apocalypse,” but I don’t think that quite applies here. So with this, I am proud to offer my endorsement of Hiram McDaniels for Mayor of Night Vale. Sure, the election isn’t for three years, but it’s never too early to effect change. And in that time, we will rally. We will petition to get what we want. And soon, a great leader will rise. Lead us to that future, Hiram!

15.4 – Street Cleaning Day

The staff at Dark Owl Records announced today that they are only listening to, selling, and talking about Buddy Holly. If you want to buy music at all, you had better like Buddy Holly. If you dress like Buddy Holly, that’s cool too.

They also announced that Buddy Holly will be performing live there this Saturday night at eleven to promote his newest album, which is called I’m Trapped In Between Worlds, Existing Only In The Form That You Knew Me, This Is Not Who I Am, Leave Me Alone And Just Let Me Die, Please.