Alert! The Sheriff’s Secret Police are searching for a fugitive named Hiram McDaniels, who escaped custody last night following a 9 PM arrest. McDaniels is described as a five-headed dragon, approximately 18 feet tall, with mostly green eyes, and weighing about thirty-six hundred pounds. He is suspected of insurance fraud.
McDaniels was pulled over for speeding last night, and the secret police became suspicious when he allegedly gave the officers a fake driver’s license for a 5’8′ man named Frank Chen. After discerning that “Frank Chen” was actually a five-headed dragon from somewhere other than our little world, the secret police searched McDaniels’ vehicle.
Representatives from local civil rights organizations have protested that officers had no legal grounds to search the vehicle, but they ceded the point when reminded by Secret Police officials that our backwards court system will uphold any old authoritarian rule made up on the fly by unsupervised gun-carrying thugs of a shadow government.
The secret police say McDaniels escaped custody by breathing fire from his purple head, and he was last seen flying and shrieking over Red Mesa. Secret police are asking for tips leading to the arrest of Hiram McDaniels. They remind you that, if seen, he should not be approached, as he is literally a five-headed dragon. Contact the Sheriff’s Secret Police if you have any information. Ask for Officer Ben. Helpful tipsters will earn one stamp on their Alert Citizen Card. Collect five stamps, and you get stop sign immunity for one year.
Another warning for Night Vale residents: sources say that the used and discount sporting goods store on Flint Drive is a front for the world government. This is based on extensive study of the location, and also because it has a black helicopter pad on which black helicopters regularly depart and land. Fairly unusual for a used and discount sporting goods store.
We sent our intern Chad to try buying a tennis racket, and have not heard back from him for several weeks. This brings me to a related point: to the parents of Chad the intern, we regret to inform you that your son was lost in the line of community radio duty, and that he will be missed, and never forgotten. May you all feel blessed to have the family that you have. And if you’re looking for sporting goods, check out Play Ball, right by our own local community radio station. Play Ball is only a front for the Sheriff’s Secret Police, and so can be completely trusted.
It’s election season again, and you know what that means. Sheriff’s Secret Police will be coming by to collect certain family members so that everyone votes for the correct Council seats, and there’s no confusion. These family members will be held in a secure and undisclosed location, which everyone knows is the abandoned mine shaft outside of town.
But don’t let the name fool you, listeners. It’s been used for years for so many kidnappings and illegal detentions that the abandoned mine shaft outside of town is actually a pretty nice location these days, featuring king-size beds, free wi-fi, and HBO. Also, torture cubicles, but I don’t think anyone’s going to make the Council use those. Remember, this is America! Vote correctly, or never see your loved ones again. This message brought to you by the City Council.
Notice. There is no digital, staticky hum coming from the dog park, Mayor Pamela Winchell announced today. The mayor stressed repeatedly in her ninety-second impromptu press conference that there is no unbearable, soul-tearing sound that rips at the sinews of your very being coming from the dog park. Mayor Winchell continued with a plea for all Night Vale residents to understand that there could not possibly be a deeply coded message emanating from a small, fenced-in patch of municipal grass and dirt.
Citizens are not even supposed to be consciously aware of the dog park, so they could not possibly be receiving a menacing and unearthly voice instructing listeners to bring precious metals and toddlers to the dog park. “Dog park,” she repeated. “That could never, ever be real,” the mayor shouted, pounding the podium with her bleeding fists. There were no follow-up questions.
City comptroller Waynetta Barnett received a one point five billion dollar check from the federal government this week.
The check was to support rebuilding efforts from this past week’s massive earthquake, reaching nine point seven on the Richter scale, the epicenter of which was directly below Night Vale. Of course, we experienced absolutely no damage to the town, and nobody reported feeling any effects at all from this enormous seismological event.
Comptroller Barnett says that she suspects that FEMA just saw the meter reading, declared this a disaster area, and sent a check. She doesn’t think they have any interest in visiting Night Vale, so we can probably just spend the money however we want.
Barnett added that those new Mini Cooper sedans are really cute, and wanted us all to look at their website.
Ladies and gentlemen, I take you from an unreal disaster to an un-unreal one.
It is my sad duty now to announce that the City Council is officially putting Night Vale under an emergency state due to the ongoing and life-threatening wheat and wheat by-products situation.
The council states that anyone who has come into contact with wheat and wheat by-products, and has by some happy miracle survived, should consider themselves infected, and proceed to the usual quarantine area just behind the playground in Mission Grove Park, there to spend the rest of their days in quiet contemplation and weaving.
Everyone else should head immediately to the Wheat And Wheat By-Products Shelter that has been sitting unused for decades under the Public Library.
When asked why a Wheat And Wheat By-Products Shelter already existed, the City Council answered simply: “Prophecy.”
May you all be safe. May you all be well. May you be strong and flexible, with ruddy cheeks and legs like tree trunks.
And now, the weather.
[“Cigarette Burns Forever” by Adam Green. Find out more about the music at adamgreen.info.]
Breaking news; we’ve received confirmation from the Sheriff’s Secret Police that Hiram McDaniels was finally apprehended.
McDaniels has been on the lam since August. He was wanted on several counts of insurance fraud, falsifying identification papers, evading arrest, and assaulting a police vehicle with fire. McDaniels was spotted near his Earl Road apartment early Saturday morning by several alert neighbors. The neighbors said they were able to identify McDaniels because he matched police sketches of an eighteen-foot-tall five-headed dragon that had been posted across Night Vale. Fingerprints later confirmed that McDaniels was definitely a dragon.
Secret Police are still unsure of McDaniels’ motives for returning home, and, well, listeners, our station intern Stacy just handed me a photo of Hiram McDaniels. He’s a very dynamic looking dragon. The raw power. The intensity in those five faces, those many sets of blue and red and black and green and yellow eyes. I can certainly see how he charmed his way out of an arrest. He must never get tickets. What a guy.
Thursday night, the City Council is voting on a new measure that would prohibit breathing as an involuntary muscular action. Historically, the human body has been able to control breathing without the brain needing to consciously activate the diaphragm.
Under the new rule, all residents of Night Vale would be required to make the physical choice of whether or not, and when, to breathe. The City Council said that we have too long taken the receipt of oxygen for granted, and that the sense of entitlement must cease. If the vote passes, residents will have until March first of next year to learn to control these involuntary muscle groups during lucid sleep.
Detractors say that it is our constitutional right to breathe how we want, and that it is not the government’s job to legislate breathing. The Council responded by waving a brick in the air at reporters and shouting “We learned to beat our own hearts! We taught ourselves to wet our own corneas! We have pulled ourselves up from nothing! It is the American dream.” Then, they took a deep breath all together, lowered the brick, broke it into pieces, and devoured it.
Happy New Year, Night Vale! Last night’s fireworks extravaganza at the Night Vale Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area was beautiful. This is despite the fact that the Night Vale Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area never really existed, and was in no way a multi-million dollar failure of municipal planning. And just because the only things remaining on the premises are several large piles of rubble and a red sign reading “NOTHING IS HERE. NOTHING WAS EVER HERE” does not mean that they failed to correctly use tax dollars to build a harbor, a waterfront, or a recreation area. Anyway, the fireworks over the city-made sign were lovely. Happy 2013.