7.3 – History Week

And now, the news.

The Night Vale Tourism Board asks that whoever is telepathically assaulting the tourists please stop. According to the Night Vale Tourism Board executive director Madeline LaFleur, there were two separate incidents in one week of entire tour buses suddenly shrieking in unbridled terror and trying to blind themselves using rolled-up Visitable Night Vale brochures, all to the utter confusion of the bus drivers. LaFleur added, “We just had those brochures printed.”

LaFleur claims that tourism accounts for tens of thousands of dollars annually for Night Vale, and the town prides itself on hospitality. She said that if good-hearted families travel to Night Vale only to find their subconscious minds besieged with unforgettable revelations, horrors buried so deep as to be completely indescribable, revealing wholly unbearable new truths, then we certainly can’t expect these people to return, let alone leave good Yelp ratings for local businesses.

The city is asking residents for help in determining who or what is causing these psychological infractions. The Tourism Board is offering puppies as a reward for information on this case. Or even if you don’t have information, the city asks that you come get a puppy or two anyway. Seriously, downtown municipal offices are overrun with them. In the trees, walls, carpentry— the exterminators are completely stymied by this infestation. Please help.

10.5 – Feral Dogs

The Night Vale Medical Board has issued a new study indicating that you have a spider somewhere on your body at all times, but especially now. The study said that further research would be needed to determine exactly where on your body the spider is, and what its intentions are. Only that it is definitely there, and that it is statistically likely to be one of the really ugly ones. Let’s go now to community health tips.

Listeners… are you suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enjoying carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you surprised by carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enraged by carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a throbbing sadness that you almost cannot stand from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a bounty of love and appreciation for your fellow human beings traveling through this confusing and finite lifetime with you, from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you get sexually aroused by carpal tunnel syndrome? That would be weird. Not to be judgmental, but— it would be weird.

This has been community health tips.

17.4 – Valentine

Hey! Here’s a health tip from the greater Night Vale medical community.

It’s possible you won’t be able to kill it. If it manages to burrow under your skin, stop fighting, because it has already become part of you. Welcome your new body-mate! Listen to what it has to say, and see where the new symbiotic lifestyle takes you.