1.13 – Pilot

Carlos and his scientists at the monitoring station near Route 800 say their seismic monitors have been indicating wild seismic shifts. Meaning to say that the ground should be going up and down all over the place. I don’t know about you folks, but the ground has been as still as the crust of a tiny globe rocket through an endless void could be.

Carlos says that they’ve double-checked the monitors and they are in perfect working order. To put it plainly, there appears to be catastrophic earthquakes happening right here in Night Vale that absolutely no one can feel.

Well, submit an insurance claim, anyway… see what you can get, right?

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4.4 – PTA Meeting

The Night Vale Daily Journal today announced that, due to the recent economic downturn, they will start running ads on the front page. Any business interested in running one of these platinum premium ads should contact editor Leann Hart. Hart mentioned that they have also created a “write your own news story” program for interested citizens. Because every writer has been laid off, the Daily Journal now needs these community contributions to supply Night Vale with important news and features.

The first platinum premium ad runs next Monday, and features the terrified face of an infant primate with a superimposed spoon that has been stone-sharpened to a rough point, and the tagline “Better Use Tide!”

Hart also said that last year’s explosion that decimated the Daily Journal’s distribution plant is still “totally an accident,” and would like her insurance rep to call her back. Please, call her back.

4.5 – PTA Meeting

This just came across the wire: the Secret Police have issued a new statement shedding more light onto last night’s PTA meeting incident. The noisy portal and subsequent dinosaur attack that brutally interrupted discussion of swingset repairs on the elementary school playground stayed open long after recreation center employees thought they had rounded up all of the ancestral avian beasts, and authorities warn there is still at least one more pteranodon on the loose. Citizens should cover themselves with a low-SPF sunscreen and hide in a tiled bathroom.

Several curious handball players on the courts next to the auditorium actually popped their heads into the portal just to see what was on the other side of the vortex, and came back dramatically changed. The players aged several thousand years in what bystanders experienced as only a few seconds. Those handball players now straddle the unenviable border of millennially wizened and cripplingly insane. Since psychological and emotional damages are no longer considered valid claims by the greater medical insurance community, we are still reporting zero injuries.

We’ll update you as further details surface in our special, ongoing, and very special coverage of Pteranodon Attackgate: Are We Safe From Dinosaurs? No Way.

11.2 – Wheat & Wheat By-Products

Representatives from the greater medical insurance community announced this week that major insurance providers would no longer cover government-disseminated illnesses.

These ailments were created to control undesirable populations, and include: AIDS, most cancers, irritable bowel syndrome, telekinesis, tingling, and any kind of food allergy.

Doctors advised that the best way to avoid acquiring any of these conditions is to limit questionable public activities, try not to be in a lower economic class, and give regularly to an approved religious organization.

Take these precautions and you should live a healthy, or at least medically insured, life.

In other health news, the Night Vale Council for Commerce reminds you to regularly consume wheat and wheat by-products.

By doing so, you are directly supporting the local Night Vale farmer, as well as the local Night Vale commodities conglomerates.

Looking for a snack? Try wheat or a wheat by-product.

Dinner? Wheat and/or its by-products.

Trying to patch a leaky roof? We have just the thing for you, and we also have its by-products.

Wheat and wheat by-products: by Americans, for Americans, in Americans, watching Americans.