Breaking news; we’ve received confirmation from the Sheriff’s Secret Police that Hiram McDaniels was finally apprehended.
McDaniels has been on the lam since August. He was wanted on several counts of insurance fraud, falsifying identification papers, evading arrest, and assaulting a police vehicle with fire. McDaniels was spotted near his Earl Road apartment early Saturday morning by several alert neighbors. The neighbors said they were able to identify McDaniels because he matched police sketches of an eighteen-foot-tall five-headed dragon that had been posted across Night Vale. Fingerprints later confirmed that McDaniels was definitely a dragon.
Secret Police are still unsure of McDaniels’ motives for returning home, and, well, listeners, our station intern Stacy just handed me a photo of Hiram McDaniels. He’s a very dynamic looking dragon. The raw power. The intensity in those five faces, those many sets of blue and red and black and green and yellow eyes. I can certainly see how he charmed his way out of an arrest. He must never get tickets. What a guy.
An interesting note on Hiram McDaniels: intern Stacy tells me that she’s been googling the roguish dragon. Did you know that he has a blog? He’s a really smart fellow! Some really groundbreaking ideas. Here’s one post from last week:
‘If I were mayor of Night Vale, I would give incentives for small business development, and focus on youth physical fitness programs. Human youth are the human future, after all.’
Well, it seems a certain multi-headed fugitive wants to become mayor of Night Vale. You have my vote, Hiram.
From time to time, listeners, I like to bring a little education to our show. Throw out some interesting facts or mind fuel. Today I’d like to share some fascinating facts about clouds. Clouds are made up of [BEEP]. Rain clouds are formed when [BEEP] air. When the density of the humid air, a.k.a. the cloud, becomes [BEEP], that’s when it rains. Lightning is [BEEP]. And it’s important to [BEEP] can kill you, or at least cause you a great deal of body-altering pain and regret. But take some time to stop and look at the clouds. They are beautiful, wondrous creations!
Wait. I’ve just been handed a piece of red paper by one of the Sheriff’s Secret Police officers.
[whispering] I can tell that’s what he was because of his short cape, blow dart chest belt, and tight leather balaclava.
Dear listeners, I’ve been told to inform you that you are to stop looking at the clouds immediately. Stop knowing about the clouds. Intern Stacy tells me in my headset here that they’ve also been censoring my broadcast. Well, I back our public protectors, and if they say to stop knowing about whatever it was was talking about, then I’ll stop knowing about it. Let’s go now to the sounds of predatory birds.
Before we go, intern Stacy just handed me this. The Sheriff’s Secret Police would like to issue a correction to their earlier special alert. In their warning, they stated that memorizing a very specific list would keep you safe. This is incorrect. According to the new statement, quote, ‘We are not safe. We are all being hunted by time and our own deceitful bodies. Memorizing the list will merely prevent additional external pain beyond that which you experience daily just by being alive. The Sheriff’s Secret Police regret the error.’ End quote.
That’s it for our news. Stay tuned next for a community-wide frisson of cosmic fright. Thank you again, Night Vale! May you too find love in this dark desert. May it be as permanent as the blinking lights, and as comforting as the dull roar of space. Good night, Night Vale. Good night.
More post-Valentine’s Day news. The Night Vale Mall’s planned Valentin’s Day art installation, involving footage of actual beating animal hearts projected on a vivisected teddy bear, was cancelled due to the entire mall being flooded with poisonous gas. The gas was described as ‘difficult to breathe’ and ‘a major cause of death to everyone who stood in it’. Mall PR officials expressed regret at the cancellation, saying, ‘Man, it’s like every time an artist has a bold new idea, the system has to come in and shut them down.’ They concluded by muttering, ‘It stinks man! It stinks’, before going off to sulk in the Red Cross medical tent.
Emergency workers, meanwhile, report coming across a stash of unactivated Valentine’s Day cards, forcing them to cease operations until a specialized team could be called in to deal with the danger. Three workers died before they could retreat. Also, Night Vale community radio intern Stacy died a couple of months ago, soon after our last mention of her. Our sympathies go to the loved ones of those who are lost, especially Stacy. Sorry that I didn’t get around to telling you until now. That was totally my fault.