Michael Sandero, starting quarterback for the Night Vale Scorpions, has reportedly grown a second head. It is not currently known whether this is a result of the previously reported lightning strike, or just another odd coincidence in the kid’s odd life. People in the know say that the new head is better-looking and smarter than the first one, and even Michael’s mother has issued a statement indicating that she likes it much better than her son, and that she will be changing the rankings on the public Which Of My Children I Like Best board outside her house. Sandero could not be reached for comment, probably. We didn’t try.
An update on our previous message about wheat and wheat by-products.
You should not eat wheat or wheat by-products, say several frantic scientists waving clipboards in our studio.
As it turns out, all wheat and wheat by-products for unknown reasons have turned into venomous snakes, which are crawling all over our small city, causing even more chaos than is normal.
These snakes have been described as ‘terrifying, loathsome, and probably from the bowels of hell itself.’ Also, ‘green, and three feet long.’
If you have any wheat or wheat by-products in your home, you are almost certainly already dead.
Sorry about that.
Further updates on wheat and wheat by-products. The good news is that they are no longer poisonous serpents.
The bad news is that they have transformed into a particularly evil and destructive form of spirit. Please be aware that wheat and wheat by-products are now malevolent and violent supernatural forces capable of physically moving objects up to 200 pounds, and entering human souls of up to soul-strength four.
The frantic scientists, who are now hopping up and down just outside my recording booth, indicating various charts and figures, recommend creating a simple lean-to out of animal bones and mud– such as you might have made and played in as a child– and hiding there until the spiritual forces of wheat and wheat by-products have passed.
First, the news. Old Town Night Vale residents are complaining about extremely noisy sunsets. Several agitated citizens are pushing for the City Council to do something about the solar shrieking every evening for the past few weeks. One homeowner described the sound as ‘the parched cries of sad buzzards or perhaps even the unholy voice of Old Scratch himself’.
The City Council, speaking in unison at a televised press conference, said that the noise is just the windmill farms that litter the unfortunate wastelands of Desert Bluffs, and that the noises do not fall under Night Vale jurisdiction. Walton Kincaid, president of the community group Soundproof Old Town, said that the windmills can’t possibly be the source of the noise, as they are non-existent and also don’t work, because of Desert Bluffs’ staggering incompetence. The City Council called a second press conference, wherein they all wordlessly stared down Kincaid for fourteen uninterrupted minutes. Their dark eyes tore holes straight through the community spokesman, metaphorically speaking, until his soul was compacted into what looked like a partially chewed black-eyed pea. Literally.
To date, only Old Town residents have reported hearing these inconceivable noises every evening as the sun crosses the indifferent horizon. And the noises seem to be taking their toll. There have been two heart attacks, twelve cases of significant muscular atrophy, and at least two dozen claims of folks growing third eyes, including Kincaid himself, who had an arachnid-like eight eyes when he spoke before City Council yesterday morning. No other neighborhood can hear the sounds.
I spoke to Simone Rigadeau in the Earth Sciences building at Night Vale Community College about the scientifically fascinating story, and she called it a simple case of celestial ‘just desserts’. Full disclosure, listeners: Rigadeau does not work in Earth Sciences. She is a transient living in the recycling closet of the Earth Sciences building, and she collects cans as pets. There is another hearing scheduled at 4 a.m. tomorrow, on the highest ledge overlooking Skeleton Gorge, which can only be accessed by government helicopters. All previous endeavors to scale the cliffside by rock-climbing enthusiasts have failed in extravagantly gory fashion. The Council issued a statement wishing Kincaid luck in attending this mandatory meeting.