16.6 – The Phone Call

The Sheriff’s Secret Police also asks Night Vale residents to please help in their neighborhood watch program. Secret Police are in every neighborhood, watching everybody, so here are some tips on how you can help this invaluable community surveillance program.

  1. Keep all windows open during clement weather, and if you must close them during rain, dust, or coal storms, please keep them clean, and stand near them, so cameras and microphones can clearly identify you.
  2. When having any private conversation, whether via phone or with those in your home, turn down the TV and radio to cut down on noise pollution. Also, please try to keep your conversations lively. Maybe some local gossip, or polarizing sports opinions. Too much boring talk about plans for your garden, or where to buy good laser discs, can make the Secret Police tired, and less effective at their jobs.
  3. Do not wear tinfoil hats. This hackneyed technique doesn’t work at all. Helicopters could mind-scan you through twenty feet of lead. You shouldn’t wear these homemade hats because it draws unnecessary attention to yourself. It’s pathetic and paranoid. The Secret Police are embarrassed for you.

And as always, if you see something, say ‘Something.’ That’s the code word to call a special raid on a neighbor or stranger. If you see something, say the word ‘something’.