3.12 – Station Management

Hello? Radio audience…

[Ominous rumbling continues.]

I come to you live from under my desk, where I’ve dragged my microphone and am currently huddling in the fetal position.

[Roaring shriek.]

Did you write letters? You should not do this anymore. Station Management has opened its door for the first time in my memory and is now roaming the building.

I don’t exactly know what Management looks like, as that is when I took cover under my desk— and I can only hope that they are not listening to what’s going out right now, or else I may have sealed my fate. I can hear only a kind of clicking footstep, and faint hissing sound, like releasing steam.

An intern went to see what Management wanted, and has not returned. If you are related to Jerry Hartman, afternoon board operator at Night Vale Community Radio, I am sorry to inform you that he is probably dead, or at least corporeally absorbed into Management, permanently. Jerry and Chad, the interns, will both be missed, but we will surely see them in the Thanksgiving Day Dead Citizens Impersonation Contest, which this year will be in the employee lounge under the Night Vale Mall from 11 AM to 9:45 PM. There will be a cash bar and two Twister boards.

[Louder ominous rumbling. Cecil gasps.]

I’m going to see if I can make a break for the door. If you don’t hear from me again, it has truly been a pleasure.

Good night, Night Vale. And goodbye…

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12.10 – The Candidate

The Night Vale mall is having to deal with angry calls from parents, after the Santa they hired for Christmas photos was once again a no-show.

Mall public relations officials said that the missing Santa is actually a performance art piece, meant to show people how our capitalist idols are truly non-existent, ghosts of materialistic ideas that we have embraced as replacements for true spiritual meaning.  A long line of upset parents and crying children stretched from Santa’s empty chair to just past the Hollister.

The mall PR officials added that they have a really cool idea for Valentine’s Day.  They’re thinking, like, moving pictures of actual beating hearts projected onto a large teddy bear, which has been stretched open like a vivisected frog from seventh grade life science?  Officials added, “It’s going to be monstrous and beautiful.  You don’t even know what art really is.  You don’t even know yourself.”  They concluded by chanting and pumping their arms in unison, like a lower, Paleolithic version of the YMCA dance.

And now… the weather.

[“Like Brightness” by Anais Mitchell. This episode’s weather can be found at anaismitchell.com.]

17.9 – Valentine

More post-Valentine’s Day news.  The Night Vale Mall’s planned Valentin’s Day art installation, involving footage of actual beating animal hearts projected on a vivisected teddy bear, was cancelled due to the entire mall being flooded with poisonous gas.  The gas was described as ‘difficult to breathe’ and ‘a major cause of death to everyone who stood in it’.  Mall PR officials expressed regret at the cancellation, saying, ‘Man, it’s like every time an artist has a bold new idea, the system has to come in and shut them down.’  They concluded by muttering, ‘It stinks man!  It stinks’, before going off to sulk in the Red Cross medical tent.  

Emergency workers, meanwhile, report coming across a stash of unactivated Valentine’s Day cards, forcing them to cease operations until a specialized team could be called in to deal with the danger.  Three workers died before they could retreat. Also, Night Vale community radio intern Stacy died a couple of months ago, soon after our last mention of her.  Our sympathies go to the loved ones of those who are lost, especially Stacy.  Sorry that I didn’t get around to telling you until now.  That was totally my fault.