This is probably nothing, listeners, but John Peters, you know, the farmer, he reports that the Glow Cloud is directly over Old Town Night Vale, and it appears to be raining small creatures upon the earth. Armadillos, lizards, a few crows… that kind of thing.
Fortunately, the animals appear to be dead already, so the Night Vale Animal Control Department has said it should be a snap to clean those up. They just have to be tossed on the eternal animal pyre in Mission Grove Park.
So if that’s the worst Glow Cloud has for us, I say, go ahead and do your daily errands. Just bring along a good, strong umbrella, capable of handling falling animals up to, say, ten pounds. More on the Glow Cloud as it continues to crawl across our sky.
And hey, here’s a tip: take your kids out, and use the cloud’s constantly mutating hue to teach him or her the names of colors. It’s fun, and it shows them the real-life applications of learning.
The revitalization of the Old Town Drawbridge experienced another setback this week, as engineers determined that the furniture upholstery used to construct the bridge towers soaks up water and creates an unstable foundation. This week’s collapse was the third in as many months. Construction crews have tried building the bridge tower base supports from corrugated cardboard, non-dairy creamer, and ceramic bowls. Nothing has worked.
Engineers are asking for help in determining how proper bridge towers are made. If you have any tips, please write them on notebook paper and mail them to Bridge Magic LLC, P.O. Box 1616. Do not use cursive, or long words. Clearly labeled drawings are preferred.
First, the news. Old Town Night Vale residents are complaining about extremely noisy sunsets. Several agitated citizens are pushing for the City Council to do something about the solar shrieking every evening for the past few weeks. One homeowner described the sound as ‘the parched cries of sad buzzards or perhaps even the unholy voice of Old Scratch himself’.
The City Council, speaking in unison at a televised press conference, said that the noise is just the windmill farms that litter the unfortunate wastelands of Desert Bluffs, and that the noises do not fall under Night Vale jurisdiction. Walton Kincaid, president of the community group Soundproof Old Town, said that the windmills can’t possibly be the source of the noise, as they are non-existent and also don’t work, because of Desert Bluffs’ staggering incompetence. The City Council called a second press conference, wherein they all wordlessly stared down Kincaid for fourteen uninterrupted minutes. Their dark eyes tore holes straight through the community spokesman, metaphorically speaking, until his soul was compacted into what looked like a partially chewed black-eyed pea. Literally.
To date, only Old Town residents have reported hearing these inconceivable noises every evening as the sun crosses the indifferent horizon. And the noises seem to be taking their toll. There have been two heart attacks, twelve cases of significant muscular atrophy, and at least two dozen claims of folks growing third eyes, including Kincaid himself, who had an arachnid-like eight eyes when he spoke before City Council yesterday morning. No other neighborhood can hear the sounds.
I spoke to Simone Rigadeau in the Earth Sciences building at Night Vale Community College about the scientifically fascinating story, and she called it a simple case of celestial ‘just desserts’. Full disclosure, listeners: Rigadeau does not work in Earth Sciences. She is a transient living in the recycling closet of the Earth Sciences building, and she collects cans as pets. There is another hearing scheduled at 4 a.m. tomorrow, on the highest ledge overlooking Skeleton Gorge, which can only be accessed by government helicopters. All previous endeavors to scale the cliffside by rock-climbing enthusiasts have failed in extravagantly gory fashion. The Council issued a statement wishing Kincaid luck in attending this mandatory meeting.
Sirens have been going off in Central Night Vale as a warning about sirens going off in Old Town Night Vale. These sirens indicate that sirens might occur in the general Night Vale area over the next few hours, which would be a declaration of a current siren watch. Please check that your siren preparedness kit is fully stocked and easily reachable. Lieutenant Regis of Unit 7 of the local National Guard Station and KFC combo store said that, “It always seemed that the only way to live without regrets was just to never regret anything you did. And that seems to be the only hope for the future, anyway. Regrets just bear us down. Regrets just bear us down.”
This wasn’t related to today’s siren watch. He said that a few years back, and it always just stuck with me.
Ladies and gentlemen, emergency workers report that they have reached Old Town Night Vale, and further report that it is a scene out of a nightmare, assuming you have had the usual nightmare in which Old Town received minor structural damage and debris, with no serious injuries.
Emergency workers report that they have treated those who need treating, and have cleared away what needed clearing away. They report that the usual stress of day-to-day life was worse, but now it seems better, and later, they project, it will be worse again. Emergency workers report that they are feeling good about stuff in general, for once. Emergency workers report that they are smiling, and they don’t even know why! Emergency workers report a cloud. Just that, a cloud. And isn’t it funny how we often don’t notice little things like that, they report.
Well, listeners. It seems perhaps that we have come through this day and reached some other side. Not unaffected, no, not unchanged, but here. After all, this Valentine’s Day, as all Valentine’s Days, will not succeed in bringing our city down. This Valentine’s Day, as all Valentine’s Days, will soon recede into painful memory, fading with time until another foul Valentine’s Day is upon us again. Stay tuned next for me saying ‘Good night, Night Vale. Good night.’