Virgo. Go see a movie today. It’s a great escape. Especially from all of this pollution and dangerous UV radiation. Say, is that mole new?
Libra. Your dreams will be filled with prophetic visions. Write them down. Hopefully, there are some lottery numbers or sports scores in there.
Scorpio. Curse you. Curse your family. Curse your children, and your children’s children. Vile, vile Scorpio.
Sagittarius. Eat well today! You’ve earned it. And by “it,” I mean massive food allergies. And by “earned,” I mean acquired. I should proof this stuff before I read it out loud. Let’s try that again. You’ve acquired massive food allergies. Yes, much cleaner. Eat well!
Capricorn. Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning. Best not think about this again.
Aquarius. The white ball will be under the middle shell. Trust the stars: invest all your money in this lucrative street game.
Pisces. You’ve won a brand new car!
Aries. You will feel a haunting sadness about times gone by. Today’s smell is wheatgrass and toast.
Taurus. Today is your annual Crime Day. All Tauruses are exempt from laws today.
Gemini. You will meet someone today who will have no effect on your life, and who you will immediately forget. Retain hope for a possible future.
Cancer. I’ve got to pay my phone bill, and also get some more milk. —That wasn’t me talking; that is what the stars say today. Interpret it as you will.
Leo. —It’s better that I don’t read this aloud. Better that you not know. Tell your family you love them.
This next installment in our exploration of Night Vale’s storied past takes place in the future. The year 2052. The scion of the Dark Order will descend, realize he mistimed the prophecy, and re-ascend. The seventh siege of the great Night Vale Temple will rage on. The plague of buzzing boils will kill thousands, and annoy thousands more with its buzzing. The City Council will reveal its true form and eat half of Night Vale’s population. Approval ratings for the mayor will hover in the low forties, which will be surprising, as there will have been no mayor for over thirty years.
Ladies and gentlemen, I take you from an unreal disaster to an un-unreal one.
It is my sad duty now to announce that the City Council is officially putting Night Vale under an emergency state due to the ongoing and life-threatening wheat and wheat by-products situation.
The council states that anyone who has come into contact with wheat and wheat by-products, and has by some happy miracle survived, should consider themselves infected, and proceed to the usual quarantine area just behind the playground in Mission Grove Park, there to spend the rest of their days in quiet contemplation and weaving.
Everyone else should head immediately to the Wheat And Wheat By-Products Shelter that has been sitting unused for decades under the Public Library.
When asked why a Wheat And Wheat By-Products Shelter already existed, the City Council answered simply: “Prophecy.”
May you all be safe. May you all be well. May you be strong and flexible, with ruddy cheeks and legs like tree trunks.
And now, the weather.
[“Cigarette Burns Forever” by Adam Green. Find out more about the music at adamgreen.info.]