Saturday, the Public Library will be unknowable. Citizens will forget the existence of the library from 6 AM Saturday morning until 11 PM that night. The library will be under a sort of renovation. It is not important what kind of renovation.
Sunday is Dot Day! Remember: red dots on what you love, blue dots on what you don’t. Mixing those up can cause permanent consequences.
Monday, Louie Blasko is offering bluegrass lessons in the back of Louie’s Music Shop. Of course, the shop burned down years ago, and Louie skipped town immediately after with his insurance money, but he sent word that you should bring your instrument to the crumbled, ashy shell of where his shop once was, and pretend that he is there in the darkness teaching you. The price is $50 per lesson, payable in advance.
Tuesday afternoon, join the Night Vale PTA for a bake sale to support Citizens For A Blood Space War. Proceeds will go to support neutron bomb development and deployment to our outer solar system allies.
Wednesday has been cancelled due to a scheduling error. And on Thursday is a free concert… and that’s all it says here.
It’s almost football season, and the Night Vale Scorpions are gearing up for a defense of their high school division title. But really, as long as we beat Desert Bluffs, fans and hooded figures alike will feel just fine. Coach Nazr al-Mujaheed told reporters he’s particularly excited for the progress junior quarterback Michael Sandero made during the off-season after that sentient lightning bolt struck him and gave him the strength of two Jeeps and the intelligence of a heavily concussed René Descartes.
But if Night Vale is going to beat their bitter rivals this year, and stave off the government-administered pestilence that follows a losing season record, Sandero will have to improve his accuracy. Last year, Sandero only completed 2 out of 130 pass attempts, most notably because he was in advanced stages of cerebral palsy, and because his throwing hand had been removed due to several overdue library books.
Apparently, the off-season lightning strike had healed Sandero of his terminal ailments and court-ordered amputations, and he’s ready to take on Desert Bluffs, which is probably the worst team ever. God, they’re dreadful.
Good news for radio-controlled airplane hobbyists. Those unidentifiable black metallic trees that suddenly appeared by the library back in June and caused all airborne objects above thirty feet to catch fire— well, they’ve finally been cleared away, as a new strip mall and parking lot are being developed.
The Night Vale Airport, local birdwatchers, and that nice epileptic couple who run the Emergency Services helicopter are just pleased as pleased can be about the news. Several petitions, however, have cropped up from neighborhood improvement organizations. Juanita Jefferson, head of one such organization, Night Vale Or Nothing, said, “Treeees. They are us.” Jefferson then paused for several minutes without blinking and whispered again, “Treeees,” before collapsing into tears and loud moaning. Jefferson was then taken by helicopter to Night Vale General Hospital, where she is reportedly in stable condition. This morning, Jefferson’s lawyer issued a statement saying, “My client fully recognizes the irony of this helicopter trip, but she stands by her earlier pronouncement, ‘Trees, trees, they are us.’”
Meanwhile, I hear from trustworthy informants that there will be a Pinkberry at the new strip mall. Delicious!
The results of a recent survey of Night Vale residents came to light this week. The study found widespread dissatisfaction with our town’s Public Library, and when considering the facts, it’s easy to see why. The public computers for internet use are outdated and slow. The lending period of 14 days is not nearly long enough to read lengthier books, given the busy schedules of all our lives. The fatality rate is also well above the national average for public libraries.
The library bloodstone circle does not appear to have seen any maintenance or cleaning in some time. There are reports of a faceless specter moving about the biography section, picking off lone browsers one by one. And that biography section, by the way, is far too small and has been oddly curated, containing 33 copies of the official biography of Helen Hunt, and no other books. From top to bottom, the Public Library is a disgrace to our fair city, and I can only hope our City Council does something about that soon, or I may find myself hoping that the faceless specter puts the library to the same mysterious, violent end as its many victims.
The Department of Public Safety announced that all street signs in Night Vale will be replaced with traffic cops wielding semaphore flags. Drivers will be required to learn this physically expressive maritime alphabet. This decision is not without its controversy, as the existing street signs are entirely in Braille.
One critic, Paul Birmingham, says removing these signs will deflate the Earth. As a member of the Air-Filled Earth Society, Paul believes that Earth is a precariously inflated orb that could pop or sag at any moment. “We’ve gotta stop teaching all this religious propaganda in our schools and start teaching real science!” Paul shouted from his lean-to behind the library. I have to admit, listeners, he makes a valid point.
We just received word from Wayne Tyler, assistant shift manager at the new Pinkberry, that the pack of feral dogs was seen this morning rooting around in the dumpsters behind the library. They made off with some discarded Chinese takeout containers, a rusty futon frame, and two homeless men, likely to become henchpeople to the wild dogs. If you are near the library, be warned that these dogs are dangerous. Also, be warned that penalties for overdue books has skyrocketed to fifty cents per day, and after thirty days, jaw mutilation.
Ladies and gentlemen, I take you from an unreal disaster to an un-unreal one.
It is my sad duty now to announce that the City Council is officially putting Night Vale under an emergency state due to the ongoing and life-threatening wheat and wheat by-products situation.
The council states that anyone who has come into contact with wheat and wheat by-products, and has by some happy miracle survived, should consider themselves infected, and proceed to the usual quarantine area just behind the playground in Mission Grove Park, there to spend the rest of their days in quiet contemplation and weaving.
Everyone else should head immediately to the Wheat And Wheat By-Products Shelter that has been sitting unused for decades under the Public Library.
When asked why a Wheat And Wheat By-Products Shelter already existed, the City Council answered simply: “Prophecy.”
May you all be safe. May you all be well. May you be strong and flexible, with ruddy cheeks and legs like tree trunks.
And now, the weather.
[“Cigarette Burns Forever” by Adam Green. Find out more about the music at adamgreen.info.]
Now, in the news. After several months of protests from ordinary Night Vale citizens of stout and sturdy character, the City Council has announced several improvements for the public library. These improvements are the following: an entrance is being constructed at the front of the building, so we will no longer have to enter by waking up between two shelves in a dizzy haze, unsure of how we got there, and then wandering around, trapped, until we wake with a start in our own beds, covered with sweat, and with a few books we checked out on our nightstand. Drinking fountains are being installed in the lobby, as well as dunking chambers, and a state-of-the-art fainting pool. Librarian repellent dispensers are being placed throughout the building. Remember, if approached by a librarian, keep still. Do not run away. Try to make yourself bigger than the librarian. Finally, the children’s section is getting beanbag chairs. That is all.