11.13 – Wheat & Wheat By-Products

Ladies and gentlemen, I take you from an unreal disaster to an un-unreal one.

It is my sad duty now to announce that the City Council is officially putting Night Vale under an emergency state due to the ongoing and life-threatening wheat and wheat by-products situation.

The council states that anyone who has come into contact with wheat and wheat by-products, and has by some happy miracle survived, should consider themselves infected, and proceed to the usual quarantine area just behind the playground in Mission Grove Park, there to spend the rest of their days in quiet contemplation and weaving.

Everyone else should head immediately to the Wheat And Wheat By-Products Shelter that has been sitting unused for decades under the Public Library.

When asked why a Wheat And Wheat By-Products Shelter already existed, the City Council answered simply: “Prophecy.”

May you all be safe. May you all be well. May you be strong and flexible, with ruddy cheeks and legs like tree trunks.

And now, the weather.

[“Cigarette Burns Forever” by Adam Green. Find out more about the music at adamgreen.info.]

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11.15 – Wheat & Wheat By-Products

And finally, some good news! All wheat and wheat by-products have mysteriously vanished from Night Vale, and the City Council promises that they will be gone forever.

This scourge, this siege upon us, this salvo of food-based warfare is finally over.

Never more will we be threatened in our homes by this enemy, or its by-products.

We also will never eat bread again, and that’s a pretty big bummer.

But this is the balance that must be made between what we desire and what we fear. Between pain and pleasure. Between wheat, dear listeners, and its by-products.

Many of you are huddled now and forever in the quarantine behind the playground in Mission Grove Park. For this community-minded sacrifice, we thank you.

I know you were forced there by martial law, but still, you should be commended for your brave actions.

Terminal quarantine might seem scary now, but I understand they have a well-stocked supply of canned lentils and the Silver Screen edition of Trivial Pursuit.

And of course, you have the radio. I hope you will let my dulcet voice and our humble community station into your ears and hearts until your final wheat-loving breath.

Dear listeners, stay tuned next for a live broadcast of a man locked in a recording booth silently staring at the microphone with intense suspicion.

And as always, since always, and for always, good night, Night Vale, good night.