5.12 – The Shape In Grove Park

Speaking of which, the Night Vale school district has announced some changes to the elementary school curriculum. They are as follows.

In response to parent feedback, history class will focus more heavily on textbook readings and traditional exams, rather than live ammo drills. Geology is adding a new type of rock, on the grounds that it’s been a while since anyone has done that. The new type of rock is “vimbi,” and it is categorized by its pale blue color and the fact that it is completely edible. Points will be awarded to the first student to discover a real-world example of it.

Math and English are switching names. Their curriculum will stay exactly the same. Astronomy will now be conducting stargazing sessions only with blindfolds on every participant, in order to protect them from the existential terror of the void. Also, Pluto has been declared imaginary.

All classrooms will be equipped with at least one teacher physically present for the entire instruction period. Astral projection will no longer be used in any classroom situation. Finally, in addition to the current foreign language offerings of Spanish, French, and Modified Sumerian, schools will now be offering Double Spanish, Weird Spanish, Coptic Spanish, Russian, and Unmodified Sumerian.

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8.4 – The Lights In Radon Canyon

Night Vale school superintendent, Nick Ford, announced today that the Glow Cloud has joined the school board. The Glow Cloud passed over the entirety of Night Vale several weeks ago, dropping small and large animal carcasses, controlling our thoughts and tertiary muscle groups, and erasing every last recording device. We’re still unsure the Glow Cloud even existed, as no one remembers it, nor has any digital record of it. If not for a few intrepid citizens who used old-fashioned pens and pencils to record the event in their diaries, we would have no remaining knowledge of that day. I, of course, can only thank those journal writers anonymously here on the air, as the Night Vale City Council long ago banned writing utensils, along with margarita glasses and barcode scanners— and I don’t want to get my fellow reporters in any trouble with the Sheriff’s Secret Police.

According to Superintendent Ford, the Glow Cloud’s visit on that nearly forgotten day was simply an effort to find a nice neighborhood with good schools to raise a child. Now what kind of progeny a powerful, formless cloud of noxious nightmares and spiritual destruction might produce, I dare not even speculate. But I do know one thing— that little cloud is going to get one heck of an education in the Night Vale school district. And isn’t it heartening to hear that that little puff of despair’s father, or mother, will serve on the school board? I mean, no matter how good the school, a student can only get out as much as the parents put in. We should all take such an impactful role in our children’s scholastic lives. Especially you, Steve Carlsberg. You don’t do anything except bring unacceptably dry scones to PTA meetings and take grammatically disastrous minutes on your shifts as meeting secretary. Get it together, Steve.

Superintendent Ford offered the following statement of support for the newest school board member. “All hail. Kneel for the glow cloud. Sacrifice… pestilence… sores… all hail the glow cloud.”