Organized crime is on the rise, Night Vale. The Sheriff’s Secret Police and the Night Vale Council for Commerce are cracking down on illegal wheat and wheat by-product speakeasies.
Two months ago, the City Council abolished forever all wheat and wheat by-products, but a black market appears to have formed for those depraved addicts who can’t get enough wheat, nor its by-products. Big Rico’s Pizza was cited this week for hosting an illegal wheat and wheat by-products joint in a hidden basement space. Big Rico’s, in light of the new laws, has had to alter its menu to mostly just bowls of stewed tomatoes, melted cheese wads, and gluten-free pizza slices. His storefront seemed to be the model of a wheat-free and wheat by-product-free society. But even the most honest businesses can turn to crime when their livelihood is on the line.
Fortunately for Big Rico, he is a very nice person, and apologized to the City Council in a way that did not include blackmail, or secret campaign contributions, or special favors. Big Rico is just truly sorry for what he has done. The Sheriff’s Secret Police say that they are upping their efforts to stop these illicit wheat and wheat by-product manufacturers. They are mostly just sniffing in the air until they smell bread. “It’s pretty easy, actually,” the sheriff said from his hover-office in the clouds.
Update on the impending invasion from the underground city: the Sheriff’s Secret Police has reviewed Teddy Williams’ grainy security footage from the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, and they say that the nearly-indiscernible grey blotch making a slight movement near the cheese dispenser definitely proves that a lost city is moving toward war with Night Vale.
A balaclava-clad man wearing a mitre, cloak, and a giant silver star, and speaking through a vocoder – you know, the man we all believe to be the Sheriff of Night Vale? – announced this morning that all citizens should prepare their town for war. This includes: fortifying porches with sandbags, training children to detect landmines, and not taking off our gas masks for meals, even though it is considered polite.
We talked with Teddy himself. He told us that during last night’s league bowling tournament, the jukebox malfunctioned, and would not stop playing “Mister Brownstone”. Teddy says this could be a code, some kind of threatening message, or maybe even a subtle call for peace. He also asked that Night Vale citizens learn their shoe sizes. Shoe rentals are taking way too long, and it’s really not that hard to memorize a one- or two-digit number.