5.3 – The Shape In Grove Park

The Night Vale Green Market Co-op announced today that after 15 years, they will begin selling fruits and vegetables. Green Market board president Tristan Cortez said that recent customer surveys indicated that shoppers have grown tired of empty pickup trucks and vacant tents lining the City Hall parking lot every Sunday morning in the summer and fall. Cortez said that research indicates consumers are more likely to buy products if they are available and for sale, and that Green Market and grocery shoppers tend to purchase food items.

Cortez said that the decision to sell food at the Green Market was a controversial one, as many board members and co-op shareholders feel fruit and vegetable sales will interfere with their ongoing secretive domestic espionage operations. When reached for comment, our source with the Secret Police only breathed heavily into the phone while tapping an as yet uncracked code into the receiver.

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7.10 – History Week

Speaking of which, Night Vale High School is adding metal detectors, and parents and students alike are outraged. Several parents we talked to said that NVHS students have long been recipients of shadow government-issued Uzis and rifles, as well as tasers and armor-piercing munitions. The school board’s decision to put up metal detectors, according to parents, impinges on the clandestine operation’s rights as a vast underground conspiracy of giant megacorporations and corrupt world leaders to bear arms via teenage paramilitary proxies.

The school board countered that studies indicate that weapons distract from educators’ ability to educate, and that students who bring firearms to classrooms are more likely to use firearms than students without firearms. The school board says that school shootings can only get in the way of a quality education.

Well, at the risk of becoming too much a part of this story, dear listeners, might I say that the Night Vale school district is overstepping its bounds by telling us whether or not our children can be armed by undercover militants? Should it be a school’s job to say, ‘No, child, you cannot have grenades or assault rifles in the classroom’? I think not.

Beginning November 1st, all students at NVHS will enter through metal detectors. Any firearms or weaponry found will be confiscated and held in the counselor’s office until after school, when the students can pick them up again. Seriously, listeners, what’s next? Removing the line, “Praise the beams, praise o ye knowing beams that guide our lives, our hearts, our souls, praise o highest to ye, all-powerful beams” from the Pledge of Allegiance?