11.2 – Wheat & Wheat By-Products

Representatives from the greater medical insurance community announced this week that major insurance providers would no longer cover government-disseminated illnesses.

These ailments were created to control undesirable populations, and include: AIDS, most cancers, irritable bowel syndrome, telekinesis, tingling, and any kind of food allergy.

Doctors advised that the best way to avoid acquiring any of these conditions is to limit questionable public activities, try not to be in a lower economic class, and give regularly to an approved religious organization.

Take these precautions and you should live a healthy, or at least medically insured, life.

In other health news, the Night Vale Council for Commerce reminds you to regularly consume wheat and wheat by-products.

By doing so, you are directly supporting the local Night Vale farmer, as well as the local Night Vale commodities conglomerates.

Looking for a snack? Try wheat or a wheat by-product.

Dinner? Wheat and/or its by-products.

Trying to patch a leaky roof? We have just the thing for you, and we also have its by-products.

Wheat and wheat by-products: by Americans, for Americans, in Americans, watching Americans.

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11.6 – Wheat & Wheat By-Products

An update on our previous message about wheat and wheat by-products.

You should not eat wheat or wheat by-products, say several frantic scientists waving clipboards in our studio.

As it turns out, all wheat and wheat by-products for unknown reasons have turned into venomous snakes, which are crawling all over our small city, causing even more chaos than is normal.

These snakes have been described as ‘terrifying, loathsome, and probably from the bowels of hell itself.’ Also, ‘green, and three feet long.’

If you have any wheat or wheat by-products in your home, you are almost certainly already dead.

Sorry about that.

11.8 – Wheat & Wheat By-Products

Further updates on wheat and wheat by-products. The good news is that they are no longer poisonous serpents.

The bad news is that they have transformed into a particularly evil and destructive form of spirit. Please be aware that wheat and wheat by-products are now malevolent and violent supernatural forces capable of physically moving objects up to 200 pounds, and entering human souls of up to soul-strength four.

The frantic scientists, who are now hopping up and down just outside my recording booth, indicating various charts and figures, recommend creating a simple lean-to out of animal bones and mud– such as you might have made and played in as a child– and hiding there until the spiritual forces of wheat and wheat by-products have passed.

11.13 – Wheat & Wheat By-Products

Ladies and gentlemen, I take you from an unreal disaster to an un-unreal one.

It is my sad duty now to announce that the City Council is officially putting Night Vale under an emergency state due to the ongoing and life-threatening wheat and wheat by-products situation.

The council states that anyone who has come into contact with wheat and wheat by-products, and has by some happy miracle survived, should consider themselves infected, and proceed to the usual quarantine area just behind the playground in Mission Grove Park, there to spend the rest of their days in quiet contemplation and weaving.

Everyone else should head immediately to the Wheat And Wheat By-Products Shelter that has been sitting unused for decades under the Public Library.

When asked why a Wheat And Wheat By-Products Shelter already existed, the City Council answered simply: “Prophecy.”

May you all be safe. May you all be well. May you be strong and flexible, with ruddy cheeks and legs like tree trunks.

And now, the weather.

[“Cigarette Burns Forever” by Adam Green. Find out more about the music at adamgreen.info.]

11.15 – Wheat & Wheat By-Products

And finally, some good news! All wheat and wheat by-products have mysteriously vanished from Night Vale, and the City Council promises that they will be gone forever.

This scourge, this siege upon us, this salvo of food-based warfare is finally over.

Never more will we be threatened in our homes by this enemy, or its by-products.

We also will never eat bread again, and that’s a pretty big bummer.

But this is the balance that must be made between what we desire and what we fear. Between pain and pleasure. Between wheat, dear listeners, and its by-products.

Many of you are huddled now and forever in the quarantine behind the playground in Mission Grove Park. For this community-minded sacrifice, we thank you.

I know you were forced there by martial law, but still, you should be commended for your brave actions.

Terminal quarantine might seem scary now, but I understand they have a well-stocked supply of canned lentils and the Silver Screen edition of Trivial Pursuit.

And of course, you have the radio. I hope you will let my dulcet voice and our humble community station into your ears and hearts until your final wheat-loving breath.

Dear listeners, stay tuned next for a live broadcast of a man locked in a recording booth silently staring at the microphone with intense suspicion.

And as always, since always, and for always, good night, Night Vale, good night.

15.5 – Street Cleaning Day

Organized crime is on the rise, Night Vale. The Sheriff’s Secret Police and the Night Vale Council for Commerce are cracking down on illegal wheat and wheat by-product speakeasies.

Two months ago, the City Council abolished forever all wheat and wheat by-products, but a black market appears to have formed for those depraved addicts who can’t get enough wheat, nor its by-products. Big Rico’s Pizza was cited this week for hosting an illegal wheat and wheat by-products joint in a hidden basement space. Big Rico’s, in light of the new laws, has had to alter its menu to mostly just bowls of stewed tomatoes, melted cheese wads, and gluten-free pizza slices. His storefront seemed to be the model of a wheat-free and wheat by-product-free society. But even the most honest businesses can turn to crime when their livelihood is on the line.

Fortunately for Big Rico, he is a very nice person, and apologized to the City Council in a way that did not include blackmail, or secret campaign contributions, or special favors. Big Rico is just truly sorry for what he has done. The Sheriff’s Secret Police say that they are upping their efforts to stop these illicit wheat and wheat by-product manufacturers. They are mostly just sniffing in the air until they smell bread. “It’s pretty easy, actually,” the sheriff said from his hover-office in the clouds.