7.6 – History Week

And now, traffic.

Crews from the Department of Public Safety will be repainting highway lane markers this week. The common white dashes and double yellow lane dividers will be replaced with colorful ceramic mosaics depicting disgruntled South American workers rising en masse against an abusive capitalist hegemony. The protective steel barriers along curves in the road will be taken down to make room for some really lovely and provocative butcher-paper silhouettes of slavery-era self-mutilation, reflective of centuries of slow genocide and dehumanization by Western imperialists, designed by contemporary art darling Kara Walker.

Also, Exits 15 to 17 along Route 800 will be closed for the next two Saturdays because of the biennial Lee Marvin film retrospective. So, please watch for working crews this weekend, lower your speed, and don’t forget to tip the DPS shift leaders. 20% of your current mileage is standard. Lack of tipping is the leading cause of sinkholes in the U.S.

10.6 – Feral Dogs

Listeners, we’ve just learned that the drawbridge construction site has been hit by graffiti vandals. The Sheriff’s Secret Police suspect the feral dog pack to be responsible for the giant, spray-painted lettering along the bridge scaffolding that reads GOLD STANDARD IS OUR STANDARD and READ YOUR CONSTITUTION. There was also a very elaborately painted portrait of Alexander Hamilton wearing Groucho Marx nose glasses, and a caption that reads FEDERALIST PAPERS, but where FEDERALIST is crossed out, and TOILET is written in red. Actually, you should see this. It’s truly stunning. All that with spray paint. I’m impressed. These guys are really good artists.

Nevertheless, these dogs are possibly armed, and possibly rabid. They are definitely libertarian street artists, and that has police and city officials working double-time to solve this problem. If you have any tips that could lead to the capture of this roving band of dogs, please, keep them to yourself. We’ve also received word that they have tapped your phone and computers, so best not leave the house or talk loudly.

12.10 – The Candidate

The Night Vale mall is having to deal with angry calls from parents, after the Santa they hired for Christmas photos was once again a no-show.

Mall public relations officials said that the missing Santa is actually a performance art piece, meant to show people how our capitalist idols are truly non-existent, ghosts of materialistic ideas that we have embraced as replacements for true spiritual meaning.  A long line of upset parents and crying children stretched from Santa’s empty chair to just past the Hollister.

The mall PR officials added that they have a really cool idea for Valentine’s Day.  They’re thinking, like, moving pictures of actual beating hearts projected onto a large teddy bear, which has been stretched open like a vivisected frog from seventh grade life science?  Officials added, “It’s going to be monstrous and beautiful.  You don’t even know what art really is.  You don’t even know yourself.”  They concluded by chanting and pumping their arms in unison, like a lower, Paleolithic version of the YMCA dance.

And now… the weather.

[“Like Brightness” by Anais Mitchell. This episode’s weather can be found at anaismitchell.com.]

17.9 – Valentine

More post-Valentine’s Day news.  The Night Vale Mall’s planned Valentin’s Day art installation, involving footage of actual beating animal hearts projected on a vivisected teddy bear, was cancelled due to the entire mall being flooded with poisonous gas.  The gas was described as ‘difficult to breathe’ and ‘a major cause of death to everyone who stood in it’.  Mall PR officials expressed regret at the cancellation, saying, ‘Man, it’s like every time an artist has a bold new idea, the system has to come in and shut them down.’  They concluded by muttering, ‘It stinks man!  It stinks’, before going off to sulk in the Red Cross medical tent.  

Emergency workers, meanwhile, report coming across a stash of unactivated Valentine’s Day cards, forcing them to cease operations until a specialized team could be called in to deal with the danger.  Three workers died before they could retreat. Also, Night Vale community radio intern Stacy died a couple of months ago, soon after our last mention of her.  Our sympathies go to the loved ones of those who are lost, especially Stacy.  Sorry that I didn’t get around to telling you until now.  That was totally my fault.