6.10 – The Drawbridge

Here are this week’s horoscopes.

  • Virgo. Go see a movie today. It’s a great escape. Especially from all of this pollution and dangerous UV radiation. Say, is that mole new?
  • Libra. Your dreams will be filled with prophetic visions. Write them down. Hopefully, there are some lottery numbers or sports scores in there.
  • Scorpio. Curse you. Curse your family. Curse your children, and your children’s children. Vile, vile Scorpio.
  • Sagittarius. Eat well today! You’ve earned it. And by “it,” I mean massive food allergies. And by “earned,” I mean acquired. I should proof this stuff before I read it out loud. Let’s try that again. You’ve acquired massive food allergies. Yes, much cleaner. Eat well!
  • Capricorn. Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning. Best not think about this again.
  • Aquarius. The white ball will be under the middle shell. Trust the stars: invest all your money in this lucrative street game.
  • Pisces. You’ve won a brand new car!
  • Aries. You will feel a haunting sadness about times gone by. Today’s smell is wheatgrass and toast.
  • Taurus. Today is your annual Crime Day. All Tauruses are exempt from laws today.
  • Gemini. You will meet someone today who will have no effect on your life, and who you will immediately forget. Retain hope for a possible future.
  • Cancer. I’ve got to pay my phone bill, and also get some more milk. —That wasn’t me talking; that is what the stars say today. Interpret it as you will.
  • Leo. —It’s better that I don’t read this aloud. Better that you not know. Tell your family you love them.

That has been this week’s horoscopes.

9.8 – “PYRAMID”

And now, a public service announcement from the Night Vale medical community.

Being in the desert, we get a lot of sun, and doctors are encouraging Night Vale citizens to do regular skin checks. You may think that freckle or mole is harmless, but you never know when it will grow into something much worse.

Surgeons at Night Vale General Hospital are noting an uptick in dermatological growths related to sun exposure. Doctors describe these growths as “fifteen-inch spiraled horns.” The horns mostly protrude from the lower back or knees. Unchecked, these horns can develop a glistening shine, small leather saddles, and bright red lips on the very tip. So check your skin at least once a week in the mirror.

Dermatologists recommend a three-step process. One: search meticulously for fifteen-inch horns protruding from your body. Don’t overlook anything. Two: if you find any suspicious growths, mark them with a chalk pentagon. Three: gently remove the affected skin area with a sterilized razor blade, or similarly clean crafting blade. If you are not one of the 53% of our community that was born without pain-sensing nerves, you should first consult your primary care electrolysist for tips on how to numb yourself to the nigh-unbearable pain of existence.