It’s almost football season, and the Night Vale Scorpions are gearing up for a defense of their high school division title. But really, as long as we beat Desert Bluffs, fans and hooded figures alike will feel just fine. Coach Nazr al-Mujaheed told reporters he’s particularly excited for the progress junior quarterback Michael Sandero made during the off-season after that sentient lightning bolt struck him and gave him the strength of two Jeeps and the intelligence of a heavily concussed René Descartes.
But if Night Vale is going to beat their bitter rivals this year, and stave off the government-administered pestilence that follows a losing season record, Sandero will have to improve his accuracy. Last year, Sandero only completed 2 out of 130 pass attempts, most notably because he was in advanced stages of cerebral palsy, and because his throwing hand had been removed due to several overdue library books.
Apparently, the off-season lightning strike had healed Sandero of his terminal ailments and court-ordered amputations, and he’s ready to take on Desert Bluffs, which is probably the worst team ever. God, they’re dreadful.
Michael Sandero, starting quarterback for the Night Vale Scorpions, has reportedly grown a second head. It is not currently known whether this is a result of the previously reported lightning strike, or just another odd coincidence in the kid’s odd life. People in the know say that the new head is better-looking and smarter than the first one, and even Michael’s mother has issued a statement indicating that she likes it much better than her son, and that she will be changing the rankings on the public Which Of My Children I Like Best board outside her house. Sandero could not be reached for comment, probably. We didn’t try.
Night Vale High won the grudge match against the Desert Bluffs Vultures last night! Two-headed quarterback Michael Sandero credits the win to help from angels. The angels have made an adamant denial of any involvement whatsoever in the game. The school district Ethics Committee has announced that they will look into any possible angelic interference.
A sports scandal has shook our quiet little town. The Night Vale Scorpions have faced multiple allegations of possible game tampering this football season. Representatives for the Desert Bluffs school district, speaking in unpleasant and high-pitched voices indicative of weakness of will and character, complained to the regional football and traffic code authority that Night Vale quarterback Michael Sandero’s recently grown second head counts as a twelfth man on the field, thus invalidating the wins brought on by his also recently acquired superhuman agility and strength. The RFTCA said that they would look into these allegations with the utmost seriousness, along with their concurrent investigation into whether Night Vale’s invisible crosswalk policy is actually a desperate bid to save town funds at the cost of pedestrian lives.
Meanwhile, the school board is due to announce its decision in their ongoing hearings as to whether appealing to angels for a win constitutes illegal game tampering. Several angels agreed to testify at the hearings. However, their testimonials were cut short when it became apparent that the hearings were actually elaborate traps set up by the City Council to finally capture the angels, whom the Council does not recognize as actually existing. Fortunately, the angels easily escaped from their cages in a blaze of heavenly light, presumably returning to Old Woman Josie’s house, out near the car lot, which has become something of an informal shelter for local angels.
When asked about the controversy over his team’s winning record, Coach Nazr al-Mujaheed said, “Our boys are good boys. They’re good boys at football. We win ’em, with the boys! The football.” Then he smiled vacantly, waved at no one, and wandered off in the direction of the woods. More on this story as it develops.