3.4 – Station Management

Here at the radio station, it’s contract negotiation season with the Station Management again. That’s always an interesting time. Now obviously, I’m not allowed to go into details, but negotiation is tricky when you’re never allowed to glimpse what you’re negotiating with. Station Management stays inside their office at all times, only communicating with us through sealed envelopes that are spat out from under the door like a sunflower shell through teeth. Then, in order to respond, you just kind of shout at the closed door and hope that Management hears.

Sometimes you can see movements through the frosted glass… large shapes shifting around, strange tendrils whipping through the air. Architecturally speaking, the apparent size of Management’s office does not physically make sense given the size of the building. But it’s hard to say, really, as no one has ever seen the actual office, only its translucence.

Look, I’ve probably said too much. I can see down the hall that an envelope just came flying out. I pray it’s not another HR re-training session in The Dark Box. But what can I say? I’m a reporter at heart; I can’t not report.

[Paper shuffling.]

Oh, my.

Let’s go to the seven-day outlook. Your daily shades of the sky forecast:

  • Monday – Turquoise.
  • Tuesday – Taupe.
  • Wednesday – Robin’s egg.
  • Thursday – Turquoise-taupe.
  • Friday – Coal dust.
  • Saturday – Coal dust with chances of indigo in the late afternoon.
  • Sunday – Void.
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7.7 – History Week

The year 1824. The first meeting of the Town Elder Council, predecessors to the City Council. Picture them: crimson robes and soft meat crowns, as was traditional at the time, setting the groundwork for the splendor of today’s Night Vale.

A number of elements of our modern civic process were invented in that single three-hour meeting, including the City Council membership, since unchanged… the lovably Byzantine tax system, as well as the system of brutal penalties for mistakes… and the official town song, chant, and moan. All records of this meeting were destroyed, and, according to a note being passed to me just now— I am to report to City Hall for re-education, effective tomorrow morning.

Oh, dear.

8.2 – The Lights In Radon Canyon

Next Saturday is the big lottery drawing, listeners, right out in front of City Hall, and your community radio station has put together a few helpful tips for winning. The lottery is, of course, mandatory, but how can you get the best odds for drawing a blank white paper, and not one of the purple pieces that means you’ll be ceremoniously disemboweled, and eaten by the wolves at the Night Vale Petting Zoo & Makeshift Carnival?

I know to some of you young people, this lottery seems like a barbarous, outdated tradition, but if not for municipally planned citizen sacrifice each quarter, how else would we find satisfactory meats to feed those sad, scrawny animals? So here now are the three “I”s of playing the lottery.

I one: Identify. Learn to sense colors. Purple has a grittier emotional aura than white.

I two: Ignite. Set fire to your home. While it’s not true that wolves refuse to eat arsonists, it’s a scientific fact that they’re unable to detect the presence of one.

I three: Imitate. If you happen to draw a purple piece, impersonate someone who drew a white piece. You might be mistaken for a person who is color-blind. This, of course, will lead to months of painful color re-education at City Hall. But in most cultures, that’s better than being eaten by wolves.

Also, make sure to visit the food truck festival, which will be downtown as part of the lottery festivities. Popular truck treats include Korean barbecue, vegetarian chili, and veal ice cream.