Hello, listeners. To start things off, I’ve been asked to read this brief notice. The City Council announces the opening of a new dog park at the corner of Earl and Sommerset near the Ralph’s.
They would like to remind everyone that dogs are not allowed in the dog park. People are not allowed in the dog park. It is possible you will see hooded figures in the dog park. Do not approach them. Do not approach the dog park. The fence is electrified and highly dangerous. Try not to look at the dog park, and especially do not look for any period of time at the hooded figures. The dog park will not harm you.
The Night Vale Business Association is proud to announce the new Night Vale Stadium! Next to the Night Vale Harbor & Waterfront Recreation area, the stadium will be able to seat 50,000 but will be closed all nights of the year except November 10, for the annual Parade Of The Mysterious Hooded Figures— in which all of our favorite ominous hooded figures, one that lurks under the slide in the Night Vale Elementary playground, the ones that meet regularly in the dog park, and the one that will occasionally openly steal babies and, for reasons no one can understand, we all stand by and let him do it… all of them will be parading proudly through Night Vale Stadium.
I tell you, with these new facilities, it promises to be quite a spectacle! And then it promises to be a vast, dark, and echoing space for the other meaningless 364 days of the year.
This segment has been brought to us by Big Rico’s Pizza.
Listeners, we are proud to have Big Rico’s as a sponsor of our show. You will not find a better pizza joint in all of Night Vale than Big Rico’s! Just the other night, I stopped by Big Rico’s. I was in the mood for a delicious pizza slice, and since Big Rico’s is the only pizza place in Night Vale that hasn’t burned to the ground in an unsolved arson case— and did I mention, has the best pizza in town— I ordered a single Rico’s slice with two authentic toppings.
And boy, was I satisfied. The flavor was scrumptious. The taste was also scrumptious! And it was warm, the pizza slice.
I have been told that even the hooded figures eat there. The waitstaff look like they avert their hollow gazes quite a bit! Even the City Council offers its ringing endorsement of Big Rico’s. All Night Vale citizens are mandated to eat at Big Rico’s once a week. It is a misdemeanor not to!
Big Rico’s Pizza. No one does a slice like Big Rico, folks. No one.
It’s almost football season, and the Night Vale Scorpions are gearing up for a defense of their high school division title. But really, as long as we beat Desert Bluffs, fans and hooded figures alike will feel just fine. Coach Nazr al-Mujaheed told reporters he’s particularly excited for the progress junior quarterback Michael Sandero made during the off-season after that sentient lightning bolt struck him and gave him the strength of two Jeeps and the intelligence of a heavily concussed René Descartes.
But if Night Vale is going to beat their bitter rivals this year, and stave off the government-administered pestilence that follows a losing season record, Sandero will have to improve his accuracy. Last year, Sandero only completed 2 out of 130 pass attempts, most notably because he was in advanced stages of cerebral palsy, and because his throwing hand had been removed due to several overdue library books.
Apparently, the off-season lightning strike had healed Sandero of his terminal ailments and court-ordered amputations, and he’s ready to take on Desert Bluffs, which is probably the worst team ever. God, they’re dreadful.
We have a very unexpected treat today, dear listeners: live, in the studio, we have one of the mysterious hooded figures often seen around town. We did not actually invite him here, he just was waiting for us when we unlocked the studio this morning. He has not moved nor spoken since then, and I’ll be honest, I am only guessing that he is a “he,” because physical attributes are hard to determine under these robes, and the face is entirely hidden in shadow as empty and as black as the void of space.
But hey, we’re doing radio— he’s in a radio station— let’s see if we can get an interview. Mr. Hooded Figure, how are you doing today?
Okay. Care to comment on the recent expansion of the forbidden dog park?
Any comments at all? Anything you’d like to tell the ordinary folk of Night Vale about your organization?
[Interference intensifies further.]
Listeners, I’m sure you can hear this. It’s not a problem with your radio or our transmitters. The hooded figure is making those noises in our studio.
[Cecil speaks loudly over interference.]
It’s pretty deafening, actually. All right… I don’t think he’s going to stop, and he’s started to levitate, so… let’s go to the weather.