4.2 – PTA Meeting

Our top story: last night’s Night Vale PTA meeting ended in bloodshed as a rift in space-time split open in the Main Street Recreation Center auditorium, setting loose several confused and physically aggressive pteranodons. The glowing portal remained open and shrieked incessantly, an unholy sound that witnesses say resembled noisy urchin children caught in a combine harvester, and then slowed down and amped up through some kind of open-source, easy-to-use audio editing software.

The pteranodons mostly attacked women with glasses. Night Vale authorities are still unsure why, as Night Vale’s only flying dinosaur expert, Joel Eisenberg, still has not recovered from last year’s bout with throat spiders. It took most of an hour to corral the panicked beasts back into the vortex and resume the meeting, which had mostly been about recent lunchroom price hikes, and had devolved into name-calling because Susan Willman called Diane Creighton’s son, Josh, “a bit tubby,” and that maybe he needs a financial incentive to eat a bit less. In this reporter’s opinion, Susan Willman is dangerously obsessed with the New York Times bestselling Freakonomics books. Dangerously so.

Fortunately, no one was injured or killed in the incident, although experts from Timothy’s Auditorium Repair Contractors Inc. estimate close to $750,000 in damage has been done to the rec center auditorium. That cost includes free storm windows and a complimentary seasonal insulation consultation.

4.7 – PTA Meeting

Speaking of the City Council, it voted this week to remove the large, lead-plated door from the northeasternmost crook of Radon Canyon. You know, the area pulsing with green light and sotto voce basso humming. Proponents of the measure called the large, yellow emblem and red lettering that spelled out, “DANGER – PLUTONIUM – DO NOT OPEN DOOR – RISK OF DEATH” were at worst an offensive eyesore and at best a hacky sci-fi cliche.

Many Night Vale citizens attended the meeting, including, it was said, several angels— although no angel is admitted to have been present for the City Council meeting, or any other event ever, for that matter. Old Woman Josie agreed with the measure, adding that lead is a health hazard, and that the old door was nothing but a ticking time-bomb. According to the meeting minutes, Josie said, “That old door… ooh, that door. Someone’s going to get some kind of lead poisoning.”

Carlos— beautiful Carlos, tragically shorn of his locks— reportedly was the only dissenting voice, but it is not clear he actually opposed the measure, as the minutes only report him stating, “There is no time! No more time!” into a black rectangle in his hand, and then running, winded, from the community hall. According to Old Woman Josie, he was still absolutely perfect, and smelled of lavender chewing gum.

5.2 – The Shape In Grove Park

Local historians are protesting the removal of the Shape In Grove Park that no one acknowledges or speaks about. While their protest has been hampered by the fact that none of them will acknowledge or speak about it, they did, through a system of gestures and grimaces, convey the message that, whatever the Shape is, and whatever its effect on nearby neighborhoods, it is a Night Vale landmark, and should be protected. The Shape itself offered no comment, only a low moaning and gelatinous quiver.

The City Council would not provide any reason for the removal, but did say that any work in Grove Park was making way for a new swingset, picnic area, and bloodstone circle, which we all can agree are good contributions to the community.

6.5 – The Drawbridge

More on the drawbridge debacle. It was turmoil in city headquarters this morning. Following this latest in a long line of municipal failures, the City Council has come under fire from concerned citizens for wasting taxpayer money on inefficient services that go over budget and over schedule. One critic, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “We don’t even have a river or bay in Night Vale. There would never be a boat to necessitate a drawbridge!” He continued to—

You know what? Forget it. I can tell you right now that that was Steve Carlsberg who said that, and he is such a spoilsport, that Steve! Have you ever noticed how he never replaces his hubcaps? It’s laziness, pure and simple— laziness. I just can’t let him ruin our town by denying Night Vale a drawbridge when he can’t even care for a tan Corolla.

8.3 – The Lights In Radon Canyon

Carlos, this station’s favorite scientist— no offense to Dr. Dubinsky in the Night Vale Community College chemistry department— dropped by our broadcast location earlier this morning for a little chat. Sadly, dinner or weekend plans were not among the topics.

However, Carlos did request that we ask listeners for anyone who saw a series of bright, colorful flickers coming from Radon Canyon this past weekend. These flickers would’ve also been accompanied by unintelligible noises, possibly some form of coded communication or signal-jamming technique. Carlos suggested that there could be some very sinister forces at work here. He declined to be interviewed live, claiming only that he was scared for us, scared for all of us in our strange town. Then he drove away quickly in his economical but attractively sporty hybrid coupe.

If anyone out there knows anything about these otherworldly lights and sounds, please contact us immediately.

10.4 – Feral Dogs

We just received word from Wayne Tyler, assistant shift manager at the new Pinkberry, that the pack of feral dogs was seen this morning rooting around in the dumpsters behind the library. They made off with some discarded Chinese takeout containers, a rusty futon frame, and two homeless men, likely to become henchpeople to the wild dogs. If you are near the library, be warned that these dogs are dangerous. Also, be warned that penalties for overdue books has skyrocketed to fifty cents per day, and after thirty days, jaw mutilation.

10.7 – Feral Dogs

Let’s have a look at the community calendar.

This Sunday afternoon, the Night Vale Fire Department will be holding its bi-weekly Fireperson Appreciation Parade. All of the town’s firefighters will be riding through main street on their bright red engines, which will be turned into floats depicting some of the greatest fires in Night Vale’s history. One of my personal favorites is the 1983 earthquake dust fire, when tremor-initiated fires became so intense that the airborne sand burst into deadly flames. Nearly the entire city population was lost, and the FDNV does a fantastic job capturing the drama with streamers and papier-mâché.

The Fire Department would like to remind Night Vale citizens that the parade is free, and to check your coffee makers and gas stoves before you leave home, because they will not fight any fires while the parade is happening.

On Monday, the staff of Dark Owl Records will be wearing sweater vests.

Tuesday night is the Boy Scouts’ Court of Honor. The BSA will name its first-ever Blood Pact Scouts, the rank just above Eagle Scout. So far, no scout has attained the coveted position of Eternal Scout, but we have heard that two local boys, Franklin Wilson and Barton Donovan, have earned the Invisibility Badge, which is a prerequisite for the rank. Well done, Frank and Barty!

Wednesday afternoon is the city-wide Fitness Fair at the rec center. Last year’s event was canceled, as it was held on the same day and time as the Fried Chicken & Cigarette Fair. This year’s event, however, promises to be a huge success, as they have secured a large corporate sponsorship from the Intelligence Group International, who will provide free prostate screenings, mammograms, and surgically embedded government monitoring devices.

Thursday morning, the National Weather Service and National Security Agency have scheduled a giant sandstorm.

Friday is an oasis. Only a metaphor for something unattainable. A haunting dream of meaning for our lives, but don’t look. Turn your head. Your life is here. Stay here. You are alone. You are so peacefully alone. That’s it. Yes. Good.

10.8 – Feral Dogs

We’ve contacted the Night Vale Zoo, hoping to find out more information on how dogs behave in packs. Perhaps these skilled animal experts could give us some insight into how to catch these dogs, or at least, understand them.

Night Vale Zoo director Emily Munton told us that all animals prefer tiny cages and scheduled food pellet consumption, and that it didn’t make sense that any animals would want to wander freely about town. She added a high-pitched roar, followed by a watery gurgling sound, and then our conversation was ended by repeated cloudless thunderclaps.

11.7 – Wheat & Wheat By-Products

Property taxes are going up again, Night Vale. Several citizens are justifiably upset by this latest increase, but municipal services do, after all, cost money.

Schools, public transportation, parks and recreation facilities, and of course, the multi-billion dollar Pulsar Development Facility. Speaking of which, scientists say they are on the verge of developing the first ever human-made neutron star.

Usually the aftermath of a supernova, this pulsar would be roughly four miles in diameter, but with a nearly incomprehensible density that makes it about half the mass of our own sun.

And to think, this rapidly rotating sphere of radioactive matter will be right here under the sands of Night Vale, producing enough energy to power the Earth for billions of years!

The city of Night Vale plans to use the pulsar to light the high school football stadium, which still uses whale oil lamps.

John Peters, you know, the farmer, is particularly upset. Not only about the pulsar development, but also about the higher taxes.

As owner of more than a hundred and fifty acres, John will certainly have to pay a large share, and given that John is a peach farmer in the desert, he hasn’t actually raised a successful crop, ever.

His only income is his half a million dollar annual subsidy for imaginary corn, which has been one of Night Vale’s greatest exports. People come from all over, even Desert Bluffs, unfortunately, to buy his imaginary corn.

I like to butter up a piece of bread and then rub the imaginary corn along it, and then sprinkle it with a little bit of salt and cayenne. Boy, is that a delicious and low-carcinogen summer treat!

But even our town heroes like John Peters, you know, the farmer, have to pay their fair share. No citizen is above paying taxes.

Well… except Marcus Vanston, but that’s understandable because he’s so wealthy.

When you’re worth as much as Marcus Vanston, you have proved your value to society through hard work and determination, and are no longer required to show anyone any further proof that you care about anything or anybody else, because you obviously do– look at all your money!

According to some, Marcus is worth over five billion dollars, and that’s five billion reasons Marcus is our town’s greatest citizen.

11.14 – Wheat & Wheat By-Products

News from Old Woman Josie out near the car lot. She reports that the angels have gathered in a circle in her living room, blocking her view of the television.

They are shoulder-to-shoulder, facing each other, radiant with holy light. The bowling alley, they are chanting. The bowling alley.

She says that a repeat of The West Wing she had really hoped to watch is on, and she is quite annoyed by her usually considerate angelic houseguests.

More on this story, maybe, if there ever is more.