Hello, listeners. To start things off, I’ve been asked to read this brief notice. The City Council announces the opening of a new dog park at the corner of Earl and Sommerset near the Ralph’s.
They would like to remind everyone that dogs are not allowed in the dog park. People are not allowed in the dog park. It is possible you will see hooded figures in the dog park. Do not approach them. Do not approach the dog park. The fence is electrified and highly dangerous. Try not to look at the dog park, and especially do not look for any period of time at the hooded figures. The dog park will not harm you.
The City Council would like to remind you about the tiered heavens and the hierarchy of angels.
The reminder is that you should not know anything about this. The structure of heaven and the angelic organizational chart are privileged information, known only to City Council members on a need-to-know basis.
Please, do not speak to or acknowledge any angels that you may come across while shopping at the Ralph’s, or at the Desert Flower Arcade Bowling Alley & Fun Complex.
They only tell lies and do not exist.
Report all angel sightings to the City Council for treatment.
The Apache Tracker– and I remind you that this is that white guy who wears the huge and cartoonishly inaccurate Indian headdress– has announced that he has found some disturbing evidence concerning the recent incident at the Night Vale Post Office, which has been sealed by the City Council since the great screaming that was heard from it a few weeks ago.
He said that, using “ancient Indian magics,” he slipped through Council security, into the Post Office, and observed that all the letters and packages had been thrown about as in a whirlwind… that there was the heavy stench of scorched flesh… that the words written in blood on the walls said “MORE TO COME” and “SOON.”
Can you believe this guy said he used “Indian magics”? What an asshole.
The City Council has asked me to remind everyone about the new drive to clean up litter. Night Vale is our home, and who wants to leave trash all over their home? Put it in the garbage can, listeners. And if you see any trash around, pick it up and throw it away! Do your part.
Unless the trash is marked with a small, red flag. The council has asked me to remind you that any litter with a red flag is not to be picked up or approached. Remember the slogan: “No flag? Goes in the bag! Red flag? RUN.”
Listeners, we are currently fielding numerous reports that books have stopped working. It seems that all over Night Vale, books have simply ceased functioning. The scientists are studying one of the broken books to see if they can understand just what is going on here.
The exact problem is currently unclear. But some of the words being used include “sparks,” “meat smell,” “biting,” and “lethal gas.” For your own safety, please do not attempt to open a book until we have more information on the nature and cause of these problems. The City Council has released only a brief statement indicating that their stance on books has not changed and that, as always, they believe that books are dangerous and inadvisable, and should not be kept in private homes.
This segment has been brought to us by Big Rico’s Pizza.
Listeners, we are proud to have Big Rico’s as a sponsor of our show. You will not find a better pizza joint in all of Night Vale than Big Rico’s! Just the other night, I stopped by Big Rico’s. I was in the mood for a delicious pizza slice, and since Big Rico’s is the only pizza place in Night Vale that hasn’t burned to the ground in an unsolved arson case— and did I mention, has the best pizza in town— I ordered a single Rico’s slice with two authentic toppings.
And boy, was I satisfied. The flavor was scrumptious. The taste was also scrumptious! And it was warm, the pizza slice.
I have been told that even the hooded figures eat there. The waitstaff look like they avert their hollow gazes quite a bit! Even the City Council offers its ringing endorsement of Big Rico’s. All Night Vale citizens are mandated to eat at Big Rico’s once a week. It is a misdemeanor not to!
Big Rico’s Pizza. No one does a slice like Big Rico, folks. No one.
It’s election season again, and you know what that means. Sheriff’s Secret Police will be coming by to collect certain family members so that everyone votes for the correct Council seats, and there’s no confusion. These family members will be held in a secure and undisclosed location, which everyone knows is the abandoned mine shaft outside of town.
But don’t let the name fool you, listeners. It’s been used for years for so many kidnappings and illegal detentions that the abandoned mine shaft outside of town is actually a pretty nice location these days, featuring king-size beds, free wi-fi, and HBO. Also, torture cubicles, but I don’t think anyone’s going to make the Council use those. Remember, this is America! Vote correctly, or never see your loved ones again. This message brought to you by the City Council.
City Council has asked me to read the following message.
If you notice strange auras around any of the following objects in your house: blender, showerhead, dog, husband, wife, table, chair, doorknob, baseboard, vacation souvenirs or photos, collectibles of any kind, especially those depicting or involving horses, DVDs, especially Cliffhanger, There’s Something About Mary, and The Wire 4th Season, and any bagged lettuce from California or Mexico… please, report to the Council for indefinite detention.
Speaking of the City Council, it voted this week to remove the large, lead-plated door from the northeasternmost crook of Radon Canyon. You know, the area pulsing with green light and sotto voce basso humming. Proponents of the measure called the large, yellow emblem and red lettering that spelled out, “DANGER – PLUTONIUM – DO NOT OPEN DOOR – RISK OF DEATH” were at worst an offensive eyesore and at best a hacky sci-fi cliche.
Many Night Vale citizens attended the meeting, including, it was said, several angels— although no angel is admitted to have been present for the City Council meeting, or any other event ever, for that matter. Old Woman Josie agreed with the measure, adding that lead is a health hazard, and that the old door was nothing but a ticking time-bomb. According to the meeting minutes, Josie said, “That old door… ooh, that door. Someone’s going to get some kind of lead poisoning.”
Carlos— beautiful Carlos, tragically shorn of his locks— reportedly was the only dissenting voice, but it is not clear he actually opposed the measure, as the minutes only report him stating, “There is no time! No more time!” into a black rectangle in his hand, and then running, winded, from the community hall. According to Old Woman Josie, he was still absolutely perfect, and smelled of lavender chewing gum.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have just received word from Secret Police that the rift in space-time that opened at last night’s PTA meeting has been sealed at last. The final missing pterodactyl has been returned to its own timeline in either prehistoric or alternate universe Night Vale. The creature’s lifeless body was found a dozen yards outside of the dog park entrance, stripped of all flesh and with most of the organs inverted and strung around its exposed skull like an old-fashioned soft meats crown, as worn by the 18th-century religious leaders who settled our fair burg.
The dinosaur’s body was returned to the vortex, the gateway closed, and the PTA meeting rescheduled for next Tuesday at 6 PM. That meeting will continue to address the important issue of backpacks, and whether or not they are causing autism. There will also be a memorial service for the 38 parents and teachers who lost their lives in the attack, followed by a raffle. Remember, winners must be present at the time of the drawing to claim their prizes.
City Council and Secret Police have issued a reminder that Night Vale citizens of all species and all geologic eras are not to enter, look at, or think too long about the dog park. This reminder, they say, is completely unrelated to anything that may or may not have happened today.
Coming up next: stay tuned for our one-hour special, Morse Code For Trumpet Quintets.
And listeners, Night Vale is an ancient place, full of history and secrets, as we were reminded today. But it is also a place of the present moment, full of life, and of us. If you can hear my voice, speaking live, then you know… we are not history yet. We are happening now. How miraculous is that? Good night, listeners. Good night.