7.10 – History Week

Speaking of which, Night Vale High School is adding metal detectors, and parents and students alike are outraged. Several parents we talked to said that NVHS students have long been recipients of shadow government-issued Uzis and rifles, as well as tasers and armor-piercing munitions. The school board’s decision to put up metal detectors, according to parents, impinges on the clandestine operation’s rights as a vast underground conspiracy of giant megacorporations and corrupt world leaders to bear arms via teenage paramilitary proxies.

The school board countered that studies indicate that weapons distract from educators’ ability to educate, and that students who bring firearms to classrooms are more likely to use firearms than students without firearms. The school board says that school shootings can only get in the way of a quality education.

Well, at the risk of becoming too much a part of this story, dear listeners, might I say that the Night Vale school district is overstepping its bounds by telling us whether or not our children can be armed by undercover militants? Should it be a school’s job to say, ‘No, child, you cannot have grenades or assault rifles in the classroom’? I think not.

Beginning November 1st, all students at NVHS will enter through metal detectors. Any firearms or weaponry found will be confiscated and held in the counselor’s office until after school, when the students can pick them up again. Seriously, listeners, what’s next? Removing the line, “Praise the beams, praise o ye knowing beams that guide our lives, our hearts, our souls, praise o highest to ye, all-powerful beams” from the Pledge of Allegiance?

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8.4 – The Lights In Radon Canyon

Night Vale school superintendent, Nick Ford, announced today that the Glow Cloud has joined the school board. The Glow Cloud passed over the entirety of Night Vale several weeks ago, dropping small and large animal carcasses, controlling our thoughts and tertiary muscle groups, and erasing every last recording device. We’re still unsure the Glow Cloud even existed, as no one remembers it, nor has any digital record of it. If not for a few intrepid citizens who used old-fashioned pens and pencils to record the event in their diaries, we would have no remaining knowledge of that day. I, of course, can only thank those journal writers anonymously here on the air, as the Night Vale City Council long ago banned writing utensils, along with margarita glasses and barcode scanners— and I don’t want to get my fellow reporters in any trouble with the Sheriff’s Secret Police.

According to Superintendent Ford, the Glow Cloud’s visit on that nearly forgotten day was simply an effort to find a nice neighborhood with good schools to raise a child. Now what kind of progeny a powerful, formless cloud of noxious nightmares and spiritual destruction might produce, I dare not even speculate. But I do know one thing— that little cloud is going to get one heck of an education in the Night Vale school district. And isn’t it heartening to hear that that little puff of despair’s father, or mother, will serve on the school board? I mean, no matter how good the school, a student can only get out as much as the parents put in. We should all take such an impactful role in our children’s scholastic lives. Especially you, Steve Carlsberg. You don’t do anything except bring unacceptably dry scones to PTA meetings and take grammatically disastrous minutes on your shifts as meeting secretary. Get it together, Steve.

Superintendent Ford offered the following statement of support for the newest school board member. “All hail. Kneel for the glow cloud. Sacrifice… pestilence… sores… all hail the glow cloud.”