The Night Vale mall is having to deal with angry calls from parents, after the Santa they hired for Christmas photos was once again a no-show.
Mall public relations officials said that the missing Santa is actually a performance art piece, meant to show people how our capitalist idols are truly non-existent, ghosts of materialistic ideas that we have embraced as replacements for true spiritual meaning. A long line of upset parents and crying children stretched from Santa’s empty chair to just past the Hollister.
The mall PR officials added that they have a really cool idea for Valentine’s Day. They’re thinking, like, moving pictures of actual beating hearts projected onto a large teddy bear, which has been stretched open like a vivisected frog from seventh grade life science? Officials added, “It’s going to be monstrous and beautiful. You don’t even know what art really is. You don’t even know yourself.” They concluded by chanting and pumping their arms in unison, like a lower, Paleolithic version of the YMCA dance.
And now… the weather.
[“Like Brightness” by Anais Mitchell. This episode’s weather can be found at anaismitchell.com.]
Hello, citizens of Night Vale. I bring you now to our ongoing coverage of the Valentine’s Day aftermath. Emergency workers have been at it since early this morning, starting the long task of cleanup and recovery. Reports are still hazy, but we believe that the housing developments of Marshall’s Gorge and Golden Dunes have both been wiped completely off the map, while Coyote Corners and Cactus Bloom are reporting extensive damage to structures and power lines.
Please, if you are not directly involved in the recovery and cleanup from Valentine’s Day, stay off the roads to make room for those who are. This Valentine’s Day, as all Valentine’s Days, will not succeed in bringing our city down. This Valentine’s Day, as all Valentine’s Days, will soon recede into painful memory, fading with time, until another foul Valentine’s Day is upon us again.
Emergency workers report that the damage from Valentine’s Day is worse than previously projected. They describe bodies strewn upon the ground, covered in glitter and paper cupids. Entire buildings collapsed, leaving only rubble and chalky candy hearts. And of course, there is the sad fate of those chosen to be another person’s Valentine. Little can be said to help the families of those unfortunates except that the process is, while exactly as ghastly and excruciating as feared, apparently not as horribly slow and drawn-out as it appears to outside observers.
As usual, no aid has come our way from either the state or national government. The state house even went so far as to send a formal reply, the entirety of which reads, ‘Sorry. We can see what you were going for, but maybe we just don’t get that kind of thing. Anyway, creative stuff! And have a happy Valentine’s.’
If you or anyone you know has any footage of photos of the events of Valentine’s Day, please send them directly into the station, so that we may put the images and video on the radio. Thank you, and be safe.
More post-Valentine’s Day news. The Night Vale Mall’s planned Valentin’s Day art installation, involving footage of actual beating animal hearts projected on a vivisected teddy bear, was cancelled due to the entire mall being flooded with poisonous gas. The gas was described as ‘difficult to breathe’ and ‘a major cause of death to everyone who stood in it’. Mall PR officials expressed regret at the cancellation, saying, ‘Man, it’s like every time an artist has a bold new idea, the system has to come in and shut them down.’ They concluded by muttering, ‘It stinks man! It stinks’, before going off to sulk in the Red Cross medical tent.
Emergency workers, meanwhile, report coming across a stash of unactivated Valentine’s Day cards, forcing them to cease operations until a specialized team could be called in to deal with the danger. Three workers died before they could retreat. Also, Night Vale community radio intern Stacy died a couple of months ago, soon after our last mention of her. Our sympathies go to the loved ones of those who are lost, especially Stacy. Sorry that I didn’t get around to telling you until now. That was totally my fault.
Ladies and gentlemen, emergency workers report that they have reached Old Town Night Vale, and further report that it is a scene out of a nightmare, assuming you have had the usual nightmare in which Old Town received minor structural damage and debris, with no serious injuries.
Emergency workers report that they have treated those who need treating, and have cleared away what needed clearing away. They report that the usual stress of day-to-day life was worse, but now it seems better, and later, they project, it will be worse again. Emergency workers report that they are feeling good about stuff in general, for once. Emergency workers report that they are smiling, and they don’t even know why! Emergency workers report a cloud. Just that, a cloud. And isn’t it funny how we often don’t notice little things like that, they report.
Well, listeners. It seems perhaps that we have come through this day and reached some other side. Not unaffected, no, not unchanged, but here. After all, this Valentine’s Day, as all Valentine’s Days, will not succeed in bringing our city down. This Valentine’s Day, as all Valentine’s Days, will soon recede into painful memory, fading with time until another foul Valentine’s Day is upon us again. Stay tuned next for me saying ‘Good night, Night Vale. Good night.’