A new man came into town today. Who is he? What does he want from us? Why his perfect and beautiful haircut? Why his perfect and beautiful coat?
He says he is a scientist. Well, we have all scientists at one point or another in our lives. But why now? Why here? And just what does he plan to do with all those breakers and humming electrical instruments in that lab he’s renting? The one next to Big Rico’s Pizza.
No one does a slice like Big Rico. No one.
That new scientist– who we now know is named Carlos– called a town meeting. He has a square jaw and teeth like a military cemetary. His hair is perfect, and we all hate and despair and love that perfect hair in equal measure.
Old Woman Josie brought corn muffins, which were decent, but lacked salt. She said the angels had taken her salt for a godly mission, and she hadn’t yet gotten around to buying more.
Carlos told us that we are by far the most scientifically interesting community in the U.S., and he has come to study just what is going on around here. He grinned, and everything about him was perfect, and I fell in love instantly.
Government agents from A Vague Yet Menacing Agency were in the back, watching. I fear for Carlos. I fear for Night Vale. I fear for anyone caught between what they know, and what they don’t yet know that they don’t know.
Carlos and his team of scientists warned that one of the houses in the new development of Desert Creek out back of the elementary school doesn’t actually exist.
It seems like it exists, explained Carlos and his perfect hair. Like it’s just right there when you look at it. And it’s between two other identical houses, so it would make more sense for it to be there than not. But, he says, they have done experiments, and the house is definitely not there.
At news time, the scientists are standing in a group on the sidewalk in front of the non-existent house, daring each other to go knock on the door.
Two hawk-eyed listeners sent in reports that Carlos, our curious scientific visitor, was seen getting his beautiful, beautiful hair cut. He was having his gorgeous hair shorn. Cut! Cut short! So very short, from his perfectly shaped, brilliant head!
Listeners, I am not one to gossip, even if it is a local celebrity, but please… explain to me why Carlos would strip away, decimate, any part of his thick black hair, not to ignore the dignified, if premature, touch of gray at the temples? What treacherous barber should agree to such depravity? Who takes mere money or even soulless joy in depriving our small community of such a simple but important act as luridly admiring Carlos’s stunning coif?
Reports from two intrepid sources are that it was Telly the barber. Telly, who likes sports and has posters of combs. Telly the barber seems to be the one who betrayed our community. Telly the barber. It is Telly the barber at the corner of Southwest 5th Street and Old Mosque Road, with the red and white spinning pole and the sign that says, “Telly’s.” Telly is about 5’9”, with a small moustache and a thick potbelly. He talks with an accent, and sneers.
Telly the barber cut Carlos’s beautiful hair, according to reports. Telly.
Listeners, do you ever think about the moon? I was sitting outside last night, looking at the moon, and I thought, does anyone actually know what that thing is? Have there been any studies on this? I went to ask Carlos, but he hasn’t been seen much since that treacherous Telly’s vile haircut.
The moon’s weird, though, right? It’s there, and there, and then suddenly it’s not. And it seems to be pretty far up. Is it watching us? If not, what is it watching instead? Is there something more interesting than us? Hey— watch us, moon! We may not always be the best show in the universe, but we try.
This has been today’s Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.
Telly… you remember, the deceitful barber with a shriveled soul who, just a few weeks ago, cut perfect scientist Carlos’s perfect, beautiful hair very short, so very, very short, thus depriving our community of our only remaining pleasure… well, Telly was seen recently wandering the sand wastes, howling at the sky, and holding up Carlos’s shorn locks as though begging God to reverse the crime he has done. Reports indicate that his skin was blistering, that his eyes were bleary, and that he was recently seen trying to give a cactus a haircut, whispering and cooing into what he seemed to think was its ear.
Listeners, I am not one to stand aside harshly and say that a man deserves the punishment that comes to him, but I also am not sorry to see Telly in this state, given his crime. In any case, if your cactus is in need of a haircut, try Telly, out wandering the sand wastes.
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