Michael Sandero, starting quarterback for the Night Vale Scorpions, has reportedly grown a second head. It is not currently known whether this is a result of the previously reported lightning strike, or just another odd coincidence in the kid’s odd life. People in the know say that the new head is better-looking and smarter than the first one, and even Michael’s mother has issued a statement indicating that she likes it much better than her son, and that she will be changing the rankings on the public Which Of My Children I Like Best board outside her house. Sandero could not be reached for comment, probably. We didn’t try.
And now, traffic.
This morning, I saw a running man. He passed by my home, panting, limping, running desperate. I tried to stop him, but he would not meet my eye.
This noon time, I saw a running man. He was coming down from the mountain holding a bag. His knees were bloody, and face covered in tears.
This evening, I saw a running man. He was leaving town, legs pumping like a terrified heart. I think he was missing a hand.
Is it that he wouldn’t meet my eye, or that he had no eyes? Now I wish I could remember. There are many things I wish I could remember.
This has been traffic.
And now, a public service announcement from the Night Vale medical community.
Being in the desert, we get a lot of sun, and doctors are encouraging Night Vale citizens to do regular skin checks. You may think that freckle or mole is harmless, but you never know when it will grow into something much worse.
Surgeons at Night Vale General Hospital are noting an uptick in dermatological growths related to sun exposure. Doctors describe these growths as “fifteen-inch spiraled horns.” The horns mostly protrude from the lower back or knees. Unchecked, these horns can develop a glistening shine, small leather saddles, and bright red lips on the very tip. So check your skin at least once a week in the mirror.
Dermatologists recommend a three-step process. One: search meticulously for fifteen-inch horns protruding from your body. Don’t overlook anything. Two: if you find any suspicious growths, mark them with a chalk pentagon. Three: gently remove the affected skin area with a sterilized razor blade, or similarly clean crafting blade. If you are not one of the 53% of our community that was born without pain-sensing nerves, you should first consult your primary care electrolysist for tips on how to numb yourself to the nigh-unbearable pain of existence.
This Friday afternoon, the Parks Department will be spraying pesticide in all public park areas, and in neighborhoods with dense foliage and predominantly Irish heritage. Night Vale is making a strong effort to reduce the mosquito population, and the dangerous diseases they carry. Last year, mosquitoes were responsible for outbreaks of West Nile, influenza, panache, elephantiasis, and Fanny Bryce Approximation Syndrome.
Please stay indoors from 1 PM Friday to 10 PM Saturday to avoid dermal contact with the pesticide, which has been known to cause skin abrasions, epilepsy, super-epilepsy, and organ inversion. The Parks Department also notes that the pesticide has a half-life of 2100 years, which means we’ll be safe from those annoying mosquitoes for a long time.
We just received word from Wayne Tyler, assistant shift manager at the new Pinkberry, that the pack of feral dogs was seen this morning rooting around in the dumpsters behind the library. They made off with some discarded Chinese takeout containers, a rusty futon frame, and two homeless men, likely to become henchpeople to the wild dogs. If you are near the library, be warned that these dogs are dangerous. Also, be warned that penalties for overdue books has skyrocketed to fifty cents per day, and after thirty days, jaw mutilation.
First, the news. Old Town Night Vale residents are complaining about extremely noisy sunsets. Several agitated citizens are pushing for the City Council to do something about the solar shrieking every evening for the past few weeks. One homeowner described the sound as ‘the parched cries of sad buzzards or perhaps even the unholy voice of Old Scratch himself’.
The City Council, speaking in unison at a televised press conference, said that the noise is just the windmill farms that litter the unfortunate wastelands of Desert Bluffs, and that the noises do not fall under Night Vale jurisdiction. Walton Kincaid, president of the community group Soundproof Old Town, said that the windmills can’t possibly be the source of the noise, as they are non-existent and also don’t work, because of Desert Bluffs’ staggering incompetence. The City Council called a second press conference, wherein they all wordlessly stared down Kincaid for fourteen uninterrupted minutes. Their dark eyes tore holes straight through the community spokesman, metaphorically speaking, until his soul was compacted into what looked like a partially chewed black-eyed pea. Literally.
To date, only Old Town residents have reported hearing these inconceivable noises every evening as the sun crosses the indifferent horizon. And the noises seem to be taking their toll. There have been two heart attacks, twelve cases of significant muscular atrophy, and at least two dozen claims of folks growing third eyes, including Kincaid himself, who had an arachnid-like eight eyes when he spoke before City Council yesterday morning. No other neighborhood can hear the sounds.
I spoke to Simone Rigadeau in the Earth Sciences building at Night Vale Community College about the scientifically fascinating story, and she called it a simple case of celestial ‘just desserts’. Full disclosure, listeners: Rigadeau does not work in Earth Sciences. She is a transient living in the recycling closet of the Earth Sciences building, and she collects cans as pets. There is another hearing scheduled at 4 a.m. tomorrow, on the highest ledge overlooking Skeleton Gorge, which can only be accessed by government helicopters. All previous endeavors to scale the cliffside by rock-climbing enthusiasts have failed in extravagantly gory fashion. The Council issued a statement wishing Kincaid luck in attending this mandatory meeting.