1.10 – Pilot

Carlos and his team of scientists warned that one of the houses in the new development of Desert Creek out back of the elementary school doesn’t actually exist.

It seems like it exists, explained Carlos and his perfect hair. Like it’s just right there when you look at it. And it’s between two other identical houses, so it would make more sense for it to be there than not. But, he says, they have done experiments, and the house is definitely not there.

At news time, the scientists are standing in a group on the sidewalk in front of the non-existent house, daring each other to go knock on the door.

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11.7 – Wheat & Wheat By-Products

Property taxes are going up again, Night Vale. Several citizens are justifiably upset by this latest increase, but municipal services do, after all, cost money.

Schools, public transportation, parks and recreation facilities, and of course, the multi-billion dollar Pulsar Development Facility. Speaking of which, scientists say they are on the verge of developing the first ever human-made neutron star.

Usually the aftermath of a supernova, this pulsar would be roughly four miles in diameter, but with a nearly incomprehensible density that makes it about half the mass of our own sun.

And to think, this rapidly rotating sphere of radioactive matter will be right here under the sands of Night Vale, producing enough energy to power the Earth for billions of years!

The city of Night Vale plans to use the pulsar to light the high school football stadium, which still uses whale oil lamps.

John Peters, you know, the farmer, is particularly upset. Not only about the pulsar development, but also about the higher taxes.

As owner of more than a hundred and fifty acres, John will certainly have to pay a large share, and given that John is a peach farmer in the desert, he hasn’t actually raised a successful crop, ever.

His only income is his half a million dollar annual subsidy for imaginary corn, which has been one of Night Vale’s greatest exports. People come from all over, even Desert Bluffs, unfortunately, to buy his imaginary corn.

I like to butter up a piece of bread and then rub the imaginary corn along it, and then sprinkle it with a little bit of salt and cayenne. Boy, is that a delicious and low-carcinogen summer treat!

But even our town heroes like John Peters, you know, the farmer, have to pay their fair share. No citizen is above paying taxes.

Well… except Marcus Vanston, but that’s understandable because he’s so wealthy.

When you’re worth as much as Marcus Vanston, you have proved your value to society through hard work and determination, and are no longer required to show anyone any further proof that you care about anything or anybody else, because you obviously do– look at all your money!

According to some, Marcus is worth over five billion dollars, and that’s five billion reasons Marcus is our town’s greatest citizen.

19A.2 – The Sandstorm

Listeners, the City Council announced moments ago that a sandstorm will be arriving Night Vale in just a few minutes. They apologize that they did not announce this sooner, but they just kind of let their morning slip away from them. ‘You know how it is,’ they said in unison. ‘You think “Oh, we should announce this dangerous sandstorm, that’s priority one.” But then you have to get some coffee, and you run into your coworker friends, and then you check your email, and maybe a glance at Facebook, and you just lose track of time. You know,’ they concluded.

The sandstorm is projected to be the largest in decades, and meteorologists warned that high winds and debris from the desert could cause millions in damage. They also said that if you’re not already inside with windows closed, doors locked, and eyes shut tight, then your future will probably be very different. Meteorologists then warned that raccoons are actually pretty dangerous animals despite how adorable they seem, and never, EVER feed baby raccoons, because the mother raccoon will definitely attack you. ‘Have you ever had rabies shots?’ the meteorologists asked. ‘Oh, it is the WORST,’ they continued as the press corps got restless and hoped that the meteorologists would just shut up soon. ‘God, meteorologists just don’t know when to stop,’ the entire press corps moaned.

So, take cover, Night Vale. Hide in your homes and offices, and pretend that mere walls are enough to protect you from nature’s might and life’s brevity and meaninglessness. Keep your radios tuned in here – we’ll keep you up to date.