The City Council, in cooperation with government agents from A Vague Yet Menacing Agency, is asking all citizens to stop by the Night Vale Elementary School gymnasium tonight at 7 for a brief questionnaire about mysterious sights that definitely no one saw, and strange thoughts that in no way occurred to anyone. Because all of us are normal, and to be otherwise would make us outcasts from our own community.
Remember, if you see something, say nothing, and drink to forget.
And now, a look at the community calendar.
Saturday, the Public Library will be unknowable. Citizens will forget the existence of the library from 6 AM Saturday morning until 11 PM that night. The library will be under a sort of renovation. It is not important what kind of renovation.
Sunday is Dot Day! Remember: red dots on what you love, blue dots on what you don’t. Mixing those up can cause permanent consequences.
Monday, Louie Blasko is offering bluegrass lessons in the back of Louie’s Music Shop. Of course, the shop burned down years ago, and Louie skipped town immediately after with his insurance money, but he sent word that you should bring your instrument to the crumbled, ashy shell of where his shop once was, and pretend that he is there in the darkness teaching you. The price is $50 per lesson, payable in advance.
Tuesday afternoon, join the Night Vale PTA for a bake sale to support Citizens For A Blood Space War. Proceeds will go to support neutron bomb development and deployment to our outer solar system allies.
Wednesday has been cancelled due to a scheduling error. And on Thursday is a free concert… and that’s all it says here.
The Night Vale Community Theater is holding auditions for its fall show, Once On This Island. Interested thespians should bring a head shot and résumé to the Recreation Center auditorium on Thursday night.
All auditionees must perform a one-minute monologue and sing one song. Bring sheet music if you would like piano accompaniment. Auditionees will also be required to do a cold reading and give blood and stool samples, along with mandatory radiation testing following the auditions. Do not sing anything from South Pacific. People of color are urged to audition, as Night Vale Community Theater is an equal opportunity employer. Also, actors with long-range sniper training, Fortran computer programming, and top-notch wilderness survival skills are a plus. Final casting will be announced in secret, via dirigible. No one can ever know.
Let’s have a look at the community calendar.
This Sunday afternoon, the Night Vale Fire Department will be holding its bi-weekly Fireperson Appreciation Parade. All of the town’s firefighters will be riding through main street on their bright red engines, which will be turned into floats depicting some of the greatest fires in Night Vale’s history. One of my personal favorites is the 1983 earthquake dust fire, when tremor-initiated fires became so intense that the airborne sand burst into deadly flames. Nearly the entire city population was lost, and the FDNV does a fantastic job capturing the drama with streamers and papier-mâché.
The Fire Department would like to remind Night Vale citizens that the parade is free, and to check your coffee makers and gas stoves before you leave home, because they will not fight any fires while the parade is happening.
On Monday, the staff of Dark Owl Records will be wearing sweater vests.
Tuesday night is the Boy Scouts’ Court of Honor. The BSA will name its first-ever Blood Pact Scouts, the rank just above Eagle Scout. So far, no scout has attained the coveted position of Eternal Scout, but we have heard that two local boys, Franklin Wilson and Barton Donovan, have earned the Invisibility Badge, which is a prerequisite for the rank. Well done, Frank and Barty!
Wednesday afternoon is the city-wide Fitness Fair at the rec center. Last year’s event was canceled, as it was held on the same day and time as the Fried Chicken & Cigarette Fair. This year’s event, however, promises to be a huge success, as they have secured a large corporate sponsorship from the Intelligence Group International, who will provide free prostate screenings, mammograms, and surgically embedded government monitoring devices.
Thursday morning, the National Weather Service and National Security Agency have scheduled a giant sandstorm.
Friday is an oasis. Only a metaphor for something unattainable. A haunting dream of meaning for our lives, but don’t look. Turn your head. Your life is here. Stay here. You are alone. You are so peacefully alone. That’s it. Yes. Good.
A reminder to all Night Vale citizens that the annual Sorrow Songs Sing-a-long is this Thursday. There will be a potluck lunch and the softball team will be selling refreshments to fund things that each of them individually want to buy for themselves.
Anyone who has their own sorrow song they’d like to add to our communal vocal malaise should submit it to City Hall by Tuesday at the latest. Remember that low moans and minor-key chants do not count.
The composer of the best Sorrow Song, as indicated by our audience participatory Weep-O-Meter, will be ritualistically drowned in a pool of our own townspeople’s tears. Good luck!
An unsigned press release I found under my pillow this morning announces the following: there is a free party this Friday at the abandoned missile silo outside of town. The purpose of this party is to celebrate. There will be no sign, or music, but the party is inside the silo.
This party takes place at 3 a.m. and will be over at three oh five. It will be dark, both inside and outside the silo. Grope blindly towards happiness. Keep your mouth open and your teeth together to indicate you are at a party. You will hear noises, and later, you will not. This party will feature special guest Bon Jovi, although he does not yet know it. See you there.
This Monday through Friday is the annual Night Vale Career Fair at the downtown Convention Center. There will be dozens of booths, representing phony local businesses that will take your résumés and photos, via hidden surveillance cameras, and conduct sample interviews designed to badger you into implicating yourself in nefarious activities. First-generation Night Vale residents, particularly those whose parents were originally born in Maine, Massachusetts, Canada, Micronesia, and Suriname, are strongly encouraged to attend. This year’s keynote speaker is an audio tape of droning moans, leaden with subliminal tips about achieving personal prosperity, and how to come clean about the terrible things you have done, you cretin.
Last year’s fair featured several very high-profile arrests, and exciting door prizes. Tickets are $25, or $15 if you still have working retinas to scan.
Night Vale Public Library 