2.6 – Glow Cloud

And now, a message from our sponsor.

I took a walk on the cool sand dunes, brittle grass overgrown, and above me in the night sky, above me, I saw… bitter taste of unripe peaches, and a smell I could not place, nor could I escape. I remembered other times that I could not escape. I remembered other smells. The moon slunk like a wounded animal. The world spun like it had lost control.

Concentrate only on breathing, and let go of ideas you had about nutrition and alarm clocks. I took a walk on the cool sand dunes, brittle grass overgrown, and above me, in the night sky, above me, I saw.

This message was brought to you by Coca-Cola.

5.6 – The Shape In Grove Park

And now a message from our sponsor.

Tired of your home? Sick of comfort? Come to the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Ralph’s, and huddle with us. Who are we? Good question. Come to the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Ralph’s, and huddle with us.

Why do we want you to come? Why did we spend money for this air time? We understand you are confused. But— hole. Vacant lot. Ralph’s. Huddle. Us.

For the low, low price. Act today. Or tomorrow. Not Wednesday. Wednesday is no good for us. Anyway, we’re almost out of air time, so just come on down to the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Ralph’s, and huddle with us. Or else.

6.9 – The Drawbridge

And now, a word from our sponsors.

[Cecil wordlessly groans for several seconds.]

And now, traffic.

There’s a stalled car on the northbound on-ramp to the Eastern Expressway just south of Route 800. Commuters should have little delays, as highway patrol is fiercely denying this report. In fact, police representatives have just issued a statement claiming that there are no cars anywhere, and, “What are you doing, talking about them, talking silly lies? You silly people. There are no cars! What is this fiction? Oh, please, did you seriously believe for a second–? Wait, wait, you thought that cars were real?” The highway patrol continued, “Oh, that is rich.”

All other roads seem clear. Expect delays, of course, at the drawbridge construction site, because it is years away from being competently finished.

7.11 – History Week

Let’s return to another key moment in Night Vale history.

The year 1943. As part of the war effort, Night Vale citizens dedicated themselves to chanting. The young, the old, men and women alike gathered around their bloodstones and chanted for the victory of the United States. While some credit must be given to the strategic planning of U.S. Command and to the brave fighting of American soldiers, most reputable scholars believe that Night Vale’s chanting was the deciding factor in America’s eventual victory over the Axis powers. The City Council erected a seven-story monument in Grove Park saying so in large, neon letters, until a federal lawsuit forced them to take it down.

And now, a word from our sponsors. That word is carp.

8.9 – The Lights In Radon Canyon

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Step into your nearest Subway restaurant today, and try their new 6-inch mashed potato sub. Top it with a delicious assortment of fresh vegetables, like french fries and Nutella. They’ll even toast or poach it for you.

There are several Subway locations in Night Vale, all easily accessible through witchcraft and chanting. And between now and November 30, buy nine reverse colonics, and get a free 40-ounce soda or freshly baked tobacco cookie.

Subway: Devour Your Own Empty Heart.

9.10 – “PYRAMID”

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Today’s program is brought to you by Audible.com, your online source for recorded books. There are thousands of great titles at Audible.com that you can download to your computer or portable device, and listen to on the go. I use Audible to catch up on best-selling titles like The Help and Van Gogh Notes For Technical Communication 11\E.

I’m on their website right now, and I’m typing in a search for “dog park,” because I was thinking about this town’s beautiful new fixture, and how I will never, ever take my dog there. Let’s see what Audible comes up with.

Huh. It’s a flashing black-and-red screen that says THOUGHT CRIME in all caps. And below that, a little animation of two digging workers. “Under Construction”— that’s adorable!

So, check out Audible.com. New Audible members can get one free audiobook just by smudging their computer monitors with baby’s blood and humming the Spanish translation of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”

Audible.com: You Can’t Burn What You Can’t Even Touch.

10.10 – Feral Dogs

And now a word from our sponsor.

You come home. The lights are off. You get an uneasy feeling. Suddenly, the phone rings. You remember that you do not have a phone. It rings some more. You do not know what to do. Then you remember that, yes, you do own a phone. Why wouldn’t you own a phone? Everyone owns a phone. The phone is still ringing. Hahahaha! How silly to think you didn’t own a phone! It rings again. You smile, and shrug, and answer the ringing phone. It is still dark. “Hello?” you say.

“They are waiting for you,” a whispery gender-indeterminate voice tells you. “It is your time,” it says.

You turn on the light. You laugh again, wondering why it took you so long to turn on the light. Gosh, it was dark, you think. “Hello?” the voice asks. You hang up, glad you remembered to buy Tropicana orange juice, at least.

Tropicana premium orange juice is made from the freshest oranges, with no added flavors or preservatives. Also, you should get caller ID. It’s the 21st century. How do you not have caller ID? Really.

Tropicana.

12.7 – The Candidate

And now a word from our sponsor.

[Music plays.  Cecil sounds very chatty.]

We all want to live forever, right?  Wrong.  Think about watching your family die as you selfishly carry on, your children aging and passing, your grandchildren, and so on.  Think of all the friends you’ll make, and eventually lose.  You don’t want that.  No!

You know the earth is eventually going to be swallowed by the sun, right?  And one day, you would be present for this greatest of all apocalypses.  As fascinating as this would be, scientifically speaking, this excitement would fade as the pain of thousand-degree flames engulfed your tender body, and your agèd mind would be so alone in this interminable torture. Does this sound like something you want?  We didn’t think so. Immortality is stupid.  Think before you wish.

This message brought to you by Direct TV.

14.9 – The Man In The Tan Jacket

And now, a word from our sponsors. Today’s program has been sponsored by the physical act of gulping. For thousands of years, gulping has been there for human beings when they needed an expressive gesture of the throat. Whether you want to express nervousness about an upcoming test or appointment, fear of the Faceless Old Woman who lives secretly in your home, or just want to ingest milk faster than with regular swallowing, gulping is the way to go.

Forget sweating! Never mind shivering! Sneezing? Ugh! When you think physical actions, think gulping! Gulp now and receive a complimentary prize package, which will be conveniently buried in an unmarked spot somewhere in the scrub lands. Find it, and it’s yours!

[A loud gulping noise.]

15.7 – Street Cleaning Day

And now a word from our sponsors. Today’s broadcast is sponsored by Target.

Target is a great place to shop, and they would like you to consider the variety of silence in this world. The deathly silence when an argument has reached a height from which neither party can see a safe way down, and the soft wet silence of post-coital breath-catching. Silence in a courtroom moments before a man’s life is changed completely by something so insignificant as his past. And the silence of a hospital room as a man, in front of everyone he loves, lets the heat from his clenched hands dissipate into the background hum of the universe. The quiet of outdoor distances, of wilderness, of the luxury of space, and the quiet of dead air on the radio. The sound of a mistake, of emphasis, of your own thoughts when you expected someone else’s.

[whispered]

SHOP. AT. TARGET.