Our top story: last night’s Night Vale PTA meeting ended in bloodshed as a rift in space-time split open in the Main Street Recreation Center auditorium, setting loose several confused and physically aggressive pteranodons. The glowing portal remained open and shrieked incessantly, an unholy sound that witnesses say resembled noisy urchin children caught in a combine harvester, and then slowed down and amped up through some kind of open-source, easy-to-use audio editing software.
The pteranodons mostly attacked women with glasses. Night Vale authorities are still unsure why, as Night Vale’s only flying dinosaur expert, Joel Eisenberg, still has not recovered from last year’s bout with throat spiders. It took most of an hour to corral the panicked beasts back into the vortex and resume the meeting, which had mostly been about recent lunchroom price hikes, and had devolved into name-calling because Susan Willman called Diane Creighton’s son, Josh, “a bit tubby,” and that maybe he needs a financial incentive to eat a bit less. In this reporter’s opinion, Susan Willman is dangerously obsessed with the New York Times bestselling Freakonomics books. Dangerously so.
Fortunately, no one was injured or killed in the incident, although experts from Timothy’s Auditorium Repair Contractors Inc. estimate close to $750,000 in damage has been done to the rec center auditorium. That cost includes free storm windows and a complimentary seasonal insulation consultation.
Friends, listeners, there’s a real tarantula problem here in Night Vale. Many residents have called in to report that illiteracy, unwanted pregnancy, and violent crime are on the rise in the tarantula communities. Animal Control is addressing these concerns through afterschool programs called “Teach A Spider To Read— Stop The Madness!” Those interested in volunteering should stand in their bathtubs and weep until it is all gone. Nothing left. You can let go now. Let go. Shh… let go.
The Night Vale Medical Board has issued a new study indicating that you have a spider somewhere on your body at all times, but especially now. The study said that further research would be needed to determine exactly where on your body the spider is, and what its intentions are. Only that it is definitely there, and that it is statistically likely to be one of the really ugly ones. Let’s go now to community health tips.
Listeners… are you suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enjoying carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you surprised by carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enraged by carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a throbbing sadness that you almost cannot stand from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a bounty of love and appreciation for your fellow human beings traveling through this confusing and finite lifetime with you, from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you get sexually aroused by carpal tunnel syndrome? That would be weird. Not to be judgmental, but— it would be weird.
Ah, but that is later. Now, it is dark. It is quiet. Just you and me, dear listener. Just my voice, traveling from this microphone, traveling silent and immediate across sleepy homes and lost souls to your ears.
You curl under a blanket, protecting your body from the world, excepting a few clever spiders, and you are listening, hearing me. Sleep heavily and know that I am here with you now. The past is gone, and cannot harm you anymore. And while the future is fast coming for you, it always flinches first, and settles in as the gentle present. This now, this us, we can cope with that. We can do this together, you and I, drowsily, but comfortably. Stay tuned now for our two-hour special, Car Alarms And Their Variations, brought to you commercial-free by Canada Dry.